Please read the page "The One You Left Behind- Disclaimer and such" at the top of the page before you read this. This is entry 6 of a mini series to read all other entries please see the link section in my side bar near the middle of the page, right below blog archive. Can't miss it. :) Thanks!
Love, The One You Left Behind (12-14-07)
Ok so today was the last day of my first semester of high school. I had exams and hung with friends. blah blah blah. Ok now on to the real reason I am writing you today. SEX!!! Ok so you know that I'm no stranger to sex, but today I was sitting with him, yeah him the special one. We have talked everyday since after the day I saw him, but we don't ever talk in front of other people, well except in the choir room. And we were sitting there and he asked me how many people I had sex with. Well like I said you know! And well now so does he and so I asked him and he said none unless you count...Well I didn't count that in mine so I told him he couldn't count it in his and well he hasn't had sex with anyone. He said he is saving it for someone special. Do you understand that? Someone special! Well it made me think about stuff and well sex. I really like sex, like I really like it and I might even be addicted. (at least that's what the therapist thinks.) Did I tell you that your mother is making me see a therapist. Well yeah she is and he said I'm not...you know. I'm just addicted to sex. Well if I am it is for good because sex is AWESOME!!! I don't mean to be so blunt but I can't help it. It makes you feel so good while your doing it and I mean I may be a little to young for it but even you said, "Once you start its hard to stop." too bad I didn't remember the "So don't start!" part of that sentence right? Anyway he made me think. I know he is the one I want to be with. He is really really special to me and I just can't think of spending the rest of my life with anyone else ever. But there are two problems in the way of that. First he makes me feel guilty about having so many, you know, partners. It just sucks to think about it because I didn't wait for someone I truly cared about I have just been almost hoe-like (I'm sorry but I couldn't think of any other words) and he is the perfect saint in that manner. The second thing is kinda the most important thing. Well, like everything else right now it comes back to the fact that I have this secret. He hates that I won't just tell people, he said he can't date me until I do and I can kinda understand why. I'M FREAKING AWESOME! and I'm a catch, plenty of people want me and if you have me you want everyone to know. At least that's the way he puts it which just makes it even worse cause I can't tell people now. I mean I might not ever be able to tell people, I care too much about what other people think and I know that's not good but I do and I can't help it. I would love to walk around as happy and free as he does, but I can't and not just for me but I have 2 younger brothers and two sisters that would get ridiculed terribly about this and I play basketball. I have to get dressed and undressed in a locker room full of people who do nothing but talk about and demean people like this. But I'm one of these people. The people that they talk about and laugh at. And I want to be happy but I want to be free too and right now it just doesn't seem like the two go hand in hand. but then again am I really free? Do I really consider walking around like I'm someone who I'm clearly not and doing things and saying things I would never do or say, is that freedom? I just realized why they call it in the closet. Cause they don't mean a walk in closet but in tiny shut in space. a space where only one person can fit cause its not something you are sharing with anyone. A dark lonely space, by myself. That's what my life is, until I am with him. Then its like a field, a huge field with plums and grapes and cherries and gum (oh I love gum) and brownies and chocolate pie, and you. You know chocolate pie just doesn't taste the same without you. I used to love it but now I don't. I don't think I loved the pie as much as I loved eating it without utensils with you. And watching sissy look at us in disgust 'cause we were eating like savages and then we would laugh at how dirty we got our faces and hands. You know I don't eat chocolate pie anymore. I've tried. And they keep making them for me cause "it will help me get closer to you". At least they think so. This family thinks so, but I wasn't close to you because of pie. I was close to you because you loved me for who I was and this family sucks at that. You know I told your best friend, my god mom, my secret because she told me I could tell her anything. Well you know what she did? She ran out and told our entire family and laughed and talked about me and I got calls constantly telling me how disappointed they were and how hurt you would be and how disgusting I was for being so filthy. What a great show of love. Its great to know they care. Blood might be thicker than water, but it is definitely not thick enough to hold me up. 4 more months mom! I miss you!
The One You Left Behind