Sunday, October 5, 2014

Update Since the Birth of My Babies...

Happy Fall, y'all! Haha Still trying to finish up our summertime! So much has happened in the past few months. My twins are now 5 months old. They have been growing so much. It’s crazy how big they are and how much they are doing. Eating “solids” and crawling around like crazy. I’m thankful we got them on a schedule early on… I think I wouldn't have any hair if we hadn't. R.A.F got strep about a month or 2 ago and it was very stressful… Thankful J.A.F didn't get it, although he did have a cold of sorts. I want to share more here but honestly, anyone that should be in my children's lives, know what is going on and how much they have grown. Or anyone that wants to know, knows how to ask about them. Simple as that. Learning to keep more, private than I used to be.

I have had to change therapists… the one I was seeing was just making everything worse. My urologist suggested the change. Thankful he did. It’s helping more than the last one… Although I’m not sure I like the changes. Time will tell. I know it hasn't helped some things but not everything can be helped at once I guess.

I got hurt really bad a couple weeks ago at work. One week I got shot at and it grazed my hand… pretty sure there’s going to be a huge scar there. I seem to be collecting those -.-… at least I’m starting to learn to accept those. Maybe… I still need help. v.v Then about a week later or less… I was on a stop and my patrol car was hit by a drunk, which proceeded to get out of his car and try to fight me. I honestly didn't want to fight. Wanted to die. Had been a really rough week or 2 and I was having a lot of old feelings coming back. I thought of my babies though and fight my way through. I ended up with 3 broken ribs, a really bad concussion and a broken wrist. A few days later after serve pain, worse I've ever felt with broken ribs… I went to the hospital. I found out the ribs were pushing on my lung, and I needed surgery. That was done the next morning. I was upset that some people didn't come see me while I was there nor after but it wasn't surprising. Not much is anymore. I’m off work for at least another 3 weeks. I want to go back but I really don’t. I’m weighing a lot of options right now. About going back, not going back, switching depts., switching depts. within the dept. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Been thinking about going and finishing my degree and doing what I originally planned but I’m not sure if I can handle that profession right now either. I guess I’ll decide sometime in the next few weeks. Really wish someone would give me the time of day to discuss these things but since she doesn't have the time, I have to turn elsewhere and try to find that advice… been trying to wait but don’t think I can anymore.

I’ve seen a lot falling apart lately. With people around me. Friendships, relationships, etc. Some don’t even know. I’m really happy for a couple people with this though, they found some things better than what they had. Or at least better treatment. I’m happy for the growth I've found out that some people have gone through. It saddens me that something’s have ended up the way they have, but again brighter things have come of it with those relationships. Which brings me to another point. Someone walked out of my life just because of something’s that a stranger told this person. Honestly, I’m kind of happy said person left. I didn't think I could be, but I’m better without the disappointments, sadness and lies and broken promises that were given to me. Not the fear of being betrayed, well… that fear is there still but not as much as it was with that person’s behavior. They want to say I betrayed them and a million other things but in reality I didn't do that, I didn't know, not in the sense that was/is believed. Really though it’s their loss, always was. Want to say I was a waste of time, honestly, look back, and see what you did… was a loss for me… just as much as it was for you if not more in my opinion. I lost a lot in my life because of you. I didn't try to cause you to lose anything and neither did anyone else you've known for years. But you decided to trust someone that you barely knew. Proves you never trusted me in the first place or anyone else concerned. And the things you said about me, as a person, show you never loved me, you wouldn't say and accuse me of the things you did if you truly loved me. I turned to the people I turned to because 1) you said I could, 2) you wouldn't give me what I needed, 3) they were there, you weren't…4)at least I never really betrayed you, and what I did do, I admitted immediately and beat myself up more than you cared. But as much as you accused me of things and the outcome that I was given, maybe I should have done something’s differently. I wouldn't have wasted my time as much and I wouldn't have been so depressed and hurt for months. But I guess it takes repeating the same mistake a few times before learning something fully. I did learn some things. I really learned a lot from this situation with this person, and the other situations around me lately… I've been reminded of what true love is. I've been reminded not to trust anyone. I've been reminded of what really matters in life. I've been reminded to step in and do good instead of sitting back and letting someone else do it and fk it up. I've been reminded to do things myself if I want them done right. I've been reminded to mind my own business. I've been reminded to leave a situation that is bad, not just because I’m not happy but because it is unhealthy. I've remembered a lot. I take it as a blessing, instead of what I originally saw it as. I’m seeing a lot of blessings lately… I've been trying to see the positive. It’s hard, I've had a lot of old feelings but I’m learning to get past them. I haven’t drank since March. I haven’t hurt myself since April. I haven’t bothered BMFB for anything that I was bothering him for, since May. I've broken down a lot but I haven’t as much as I was before… it’s been about 2 weeks since the last time.

I want to say I am really proud of CrazyEyes. He has changed a lot in the past few years. I've seen a lot of changes in the past few months as well. Hes making so many people proud of him. Hes making someone in my life very happy. He is an awesome father. He is helping a lot of people out. He is an amazing man. I know he will continue to grow into an awesome man and role model and settle into himself more and more as time goes on. It sucks the situations that have gone on, but through the rain and clouds, the sun will shine through soon. Keep up the great work.

I don’t really know what else to talk about right now, I had some things but they aren’t coming out right now. It’s bothering me to try to write them. I will get back to that when I can handle it. Hopefully soon, with the new help I have around me. I want to thank my support system that has been around me lately. I couldn't do anything and make it as far as I have, without them and their support. I wouldn't have stayed sober and maybe not here, if I didn’t have these people. 

 Creative Commons LicenseBrutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Our twins first few days

Yesterday, Two-Flowers gave birth to our beautiful twin's. One boy and one girl... J.A.F and R.A.F! They were 8 weeks early but are doing well. R.A.F has a feeding tube cause she refused to eat at first. Both have ivs. R.A.F also had a breathing mechanism cause she was refusing to breathe properly (for no reason, shes healthy), shes just on oxygen now though. Both are doing amazingly. Better than I expected honestly.

Today has started off pretty good. We woke up around 4:45 a.m. I wanna thank Aric for the donuts at 5 a.m. this morning! Much appreciated. Was good seeing little P.M.M and T.B.M as well, missed the others. I went home for about an hour to get fresh clothes and make sure the others were off to school. Came back to the hospital. Saw my babies. R.A.F was a little cranky from them trying to get her to eat...since shes been showing signs of wanting to feed and being able to suck, they are trying more often. At first we were thinking her sucking muscles weren't developed at all really but she took the the pacifier that the hospital gave her. She decided she would try a little formula around 8 a.m I'm not sure she likes it too much but she did eat so that makes me a happy daddy. We think shes having a hard time coordinating on how to drink and breathe at the same time. J.A.F inhaled his bottle and has ate 3 times today that I know of. He has a hard time getting started but once he gets started that bottle is gone. He is considered normal status but technically still in the nicu so he will be able to stay for a couple weeks. R.A.F is in the nicu still under nicu status. Waiting to see if she continues to feed. Trying in a few minutes to see if she will take some more formula. She isn't very happy with this having to eat thing lol. She was spoiled inside of mommy I guess, getting food when ever she wanted and not having to eat it herself haha.

Both still have i.v's. to get extra minerals/vitamins they need that isn't included in the formula we insisted on using. They said its a good formula but premies need different nutritional needs than a full term baby. Since they decided to put one in each in order to keep a line for blood tests instead of having to poke them almost daily. They are thinking about switching R.A.F feeding tube to the IV method in order to make her more comfortable and maybe see if she will be able to breathe and drink better at the same time. Also its getting in the way of the oxygen they have her on at times since shes been stubborn and likes to hold her breathe or "forgets" to breathe when she focuses on something else. Also when that is gone they will let us hold her more often and take her out of the nursery a little more often. She seems to think its funny to hold her breathe. She was doing it a lot yesterday and I was like Omg you're gonna give Daddy hell and turn my hair grey aren't you? She started smiling and made a cooing noise like she was laughing in a way. Her lungs are fully developed for sure though with the way she can "scream." Loudest baby I've heard in a long time. J.A.F isn't nearly as loud. It seems like hes gonna be kind of laid back yet active and one hell of an eater lol. Hes gonna be fat before long haha.

We've gotten to do a lot of touching and associating them. We've been able to feed them on our own finally and well J.A.F anyway. Should get to feed R.A.F later this afternoon on our own, once the tube is moved. I got to help with their first "baths" yesterday afternoon. I got to change a couple diapers already, rather nasty since babies first bowel movements have always been gross to me... worse than usual ones for some reason. I think that's just me. Been talking to them a lot and I was singing to them earlier... They do seem to like music. They liked it when they were inside too. Could tell cause Two-Flowers said it felt like they were keeping beat with the music somehow. Not sure how but something was keeping beat. Now R.A.F lays there and smiles when she hears music and J.A.F makes cooing noises. Its really adorable. I can't wait till they are home and I can learn more about their personalities without being watched over.

I just got back from picking up "real" breakfast from IHop. Its good to come in and see my babies and their mother "bonding". They had to go back to the nursery though for a little bit and get "warm" again. And monitored a little more. Gonna go down in a little bit and give them their next bottle and talk to the Dr. hopefully. Supposed to hear from him today. And discuss the plan for the next few days. I'm just thankful they are healthy and happy. And will be home sooner than it seems. Thank you to everyone for the support and blessings. And special thanks to those who are here helping off and on with our needs and those that continue to do so.

 Creative Commons LicenseBrutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Plan to repair my life in this new year of 2014

font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif;">I think I’m going to try this resolution thing this year. Or at least make a list of things I want to work on. Sort of like goals but things I know won’t be completely changed most likely but effort can be put towards.

❇ Work on my relationship with God.

 Try to enjoy my job more, like I used to. Realize that I may not always be the hero I think I am but that I have been to some and I will continue to be. 

 Work on certain friendships. Be more social or willing to be more social. 

 Continue to work on avoiding addiction. And maintaining my emotions properly.

❇ Work on rebuilding my confidence.

 Start back on my eating and workout plan to keep my body healthy and in good shape for work and appealing to who it is supposed to be that way for. 

 Work on making a decision on a person... While maintaining a healthy relationship with others, that each involved can be happy with. 

 Work on being the best dad I can be once again, I have slacked on that some and it has hurt my children in various ways.

 Work on a better self-esteem again to help my confidence and weaken my fears once again. 

Try to work on letting go of my past. It might define me but it does not control me. If I am looking at the past I can't look to see what is in my future and miss good things.

 Work on being more involved in my extended family again, I've withdrawn from them this year or so, and I realize time is precious and fragile. 

 Possibly try to go back to school and either finish a degree that I never really thought I would or further on one that I do have now. 
 Try to be more patience with different people that deserve my patience and havent received as much as they should. While also taking some of my patience away from others that are getting more than deserved. 

 Try to love more freely and openly again without being scared of everything. Trust. Don't think too deeply about each move. 

 Try not to fight my recovery as much as I have at some points. Let it help me. Let others be involved if they truly wish. 

 Start saving more of my money as I had been doing for years up until the past year and a half. 

 Try not to get so frustrated with myself and others as easily as I have been doing. Since it is only hurting all involved. 

 Try not to rely on certain people in my life as much as I have been doing. They have their own issues and I rely on their help too much for me to make true progress. It also causes privacy issues and insecurity at times.

 Take a vacation that is possibly on a whim and separate from the normal ones (which haven't even been taken in a year or two either). Something to give me a break and enjoy time with my children at the least. Give them more experience and myself time to reflect and relax, away from electronics and the concrete jungle we all live in now.
I think that is good for now. I want to try to remember to come back to this at the end of this new year and see what I changed or made good progress on and what is lacking. I hope to make a good change this year and for it to stick. I want to regain control of my life and be happy once again. Something I have not truly had for very long, in a long time. I deserve to be happy, loved, healthy and enjoy life and that is what I intend to do. 

Creative Commons LicenseBrutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

New Year...

I felt really strange this year, because this was the first year ever that we did not organize the normal get together or anything. We didn’t do thanksgiving in our normal location. Everyone came here to where I live and the surrounding areas. Same for Christmas. New years we were all spread in different locations, I didn’t go to NY this year for my own reasons but I really wish I had. Although at the same time I am glad I didn’t because the celebration seemed to suck from what I saw of it on TV. 

That being said, I hope this year is better than the last. It hasn’t started very good and I will explain why in a few moments. I don’t think this year can be much worse though… Last year started off with conflict between my family and a few friends. A couple of other friends being absent from my life but that’s not really new. I was soon in the hospital after that, in a coma for a couple of days. I found out that something I fought for was a complete lie and now I regret helping that cause out. I will regret that for a time to come. I could probably correct it but there really is no point. I found out some rather bad news that REALLY upset me but apparently isn’t as devastating now as it seemed then. People around me started dropping like flies pretty much for no other way to say that right now. Some of which were VERY important to me. I made what may or may not be a mistake in another country, still yet to be known on that. Very bad break up of sorts. Tried to kill myself to put that bluntly. Tried to/threatened to kill my best friend a couple times prior to that. Everyone around me continuing to fall apart or die. My nephew was in the hospital very sick and had surgery but recovered. Finally got off the meds and alcohol that was holding me in its grip for the whole year to this point. Lost someone else that was rather important to me. Got back in contact with someone that I really care about. Someone else that I really care about also came back into my life. A lot of struggles with certain people. Struggles with the meds and alcohol due to various reasons. Quite a few lies that have hurt me very badly came from people that I’ve tried to trust. I made a couple of mistakes and recognized them and aired them right after the fact but still regret those things. Found out some news that I really didn’t think would happen anytime soon due to the facts of things. Plans that were very important to me fell through and I was unable to go about my normal traditions. Add in all the things that have gone wrong at work over the year, all of the stress of that, all of the injuries and losses. 

There has been more but this sums it up good enough. So I’m praying this year will be better. I am planning to rebuild some relationships/friendships. I am planning to get closer in my relationship with God, since that has been struggling all year because of the turns I have taken. I have let things get in my way. I have let things distract me. I have let things discourage me. I have let things make me feel less confident. I am done with that. I am going to take steps to change these things again and hopefully better the aspects of my life that I need to better. For myself, my children and who ever chooses to be in my life. 

That being said, my new year ended badly and started off quite badly so far. Only 12 and half hours in… So there is still a chance for things to get better. First let’s start with how things ended. Work was hell, dealt with 2 suicide attempts and one that was successful, so 3 in total. That isn’t anything new but it is always hard for me. It was hard before this year but worse now.  I am thankful for the ones that I get a chance to talk to and maybe make their thinking a little better but the others are really discouraging.  I dealt with 6 wrecks, 5 of which were major, one a roll over with a child in very bad condition which later passed away. Dealt with a quite hostile situation involving weapons went well but was stressful. All of this and still had 6 hours left of work. 

Received some messages that made me happy and feel loved in some sort of way probably not the way I should yet but still felt something in relation to that, a reminder in a more prominent way, that I had reasons to come home at the end of the day, reasons to fight hard the next 6 hours. Went back to work with a renewed attitude and energy to do my job and help people to the best of my ability. Things were still stressful and shitty with a dwi that ended in a scrap/road rash down half of my arm, a very bad assault/domestic issue involving weapons that ended in another dwi with a scuffle, a couple more major wrecks that weren’t that bad just typical wrecks more or less. The rest was mostly typical crap as well. At some point in the day I also ended up with a small scrap on my eyelid… Not sure when or what it’s from exactly but it is there and it is annoying. Least of my problems though. 

At some point during these last 6 hours things changed, got better for about 30 minutes then started to go back to worse than when I had the renewal point… I tried to ignore that and just get through the day and focus on my children and the possibility of good things as well… but just got worse from there on out. Things were showing me and telling me negative things. I planned to have a conversation about it once home but that was derailed due to BMFB’s ex wife showing up at my house... took about 45 mins to take care of. 

Tried to relax a little and rest for a few before taking on conversations and plans but appeared to me that things weren’t possible. The overwhelming feeling of someone having no faith in me, took over, something I had been fighting for a couple of days anyway. Should have continued to push that back but couldn’t. A shitty conversation took place that didn’t involve reveling much of what I felt and needed to address since the reason I needed to address it was no longer valid. With an hour left before the New Year was officially here, I tried to redirect things and possibly salvage at least that hour, no matter the method. That didn’t happen. Things went on for almost another hour or so until I gave up and was almost in tears. Still apparently an issue to this very moment, one I refuse to acknowledge much further, in the current way it is being handled by others involved. I’ve handled it bad enough on my side as it is anyway, after giving up that is. 

Had a very weak moment from all of the stress and physical pain of the day (which I wanted to distress from hours previously and thought would be given the opportunity one way or another), add in the lack of that, emotional issues and no one around… drank/chugged 3/4th of a bottle of whiskey and at some point caused an issue to myself and texted (pissed off) someone I shouldn’t have but passed out before anything got worse. I could have easily handled the situation at that point better but choose not to since no one else ever does but again that’s something I want to change for myself when things that effect me this way, occur. 

All of that being said…..I’m going to say some things I wanted to say last night… Skip the whole wanting to discuss my day, enough has been said here, not my feelings about it or major details but good enough for this location and I have someone that I can have that discussion with if need be later. Other than that regarding the plans for last night, I was willing to try and let those come through, granted it did not but if it had I would have wanted to discuss what would occur and that I felt scared and that I didn’t know how to prevent anything I didn’t want to happen or wasn’t ready to happen, from happening. I know that someone else would say it wouldn’t and would promise it and so forth but due to the nature of things and history, I don’t see that standing true even if tried because that would either go out the door with me going against my own judgment and fears… or if it tried to stay that way and I thought my mind had changed, I would probably end up, upset and say I wasn’t good enough as many others have shown me (when this issue wasn’t really existent in those instances). Seemed like a very frustrating and delicate situation for me and wanted a discussion and maybe some sort of plan even if it would probably fail somehow. I wanted to at least feel secure going into things. (Would have) Helped and didn’t help that BMFB was home. 

I tried to discuss these things before things were completely fked but didn’t get to discuss it, instead some other thoughts that I guess I have been feeling, came out about me feeling as if what I wanted and felt didn’t matter. Which I have felt like that in some ways, when things are just done and decided for me without me having a choice. Happens with a lot of people really but more frustrating with some than others. Not really sure why that is but it all frustrates me either way. 

I wanted to discuss this as well after certain plans were carried out, somewhat unrelated but still a concern in my mind... aside from the obvious reasons, as to why I didn’t like people coming to my work, announced or not… It’s something I rarely let happen. I don’t really like to meet anywhere on my lunches even with other officers but I do at times since I don’t have much choice. I don’t even like meeting up with my children on lunch while I’m working but I will do anything for them. Same directly before and directly after work. All related to the need to separate work and home, the need to distress, the difficulty of switching from work authority to home loving and back again. I am thankful that certain people have learned to respect this. I wish more people would as well and truly understand it instead of being butt hurt. I appreciate the thoughts and efforts even if it isn’t something I truly welcome or if it doesn’t work properly. 

Also some people unrelated to last night, but throwing this out there since it is related… people need to realize that I am on call 24-7 in Dallas and that will eventually be true for Allen as well. It doesn’t matter where I am, or what I am doing… If I get paged to come in, I have to go 99% of the time. It is rare that I can get out of something like that. Its either a mandate or the shit has hit the fan typically or is about to and I need to be there. It has happened and people get upset or pissed off, either at me or not, the feeling still radiates and puts me at risk for a few things. I understand being upset but for the majority of the day or longer and not really getting over it and moving on, bother me. 

There are a lot of other things that bother me too unrelated to last night or anyone involved in last night, but I will take those things up directly with those people later today. There is probably more I could say or in more detail but this pretty much puts it out there. Hopefully clear enough without misunderstanding. I want to move on from last night/yesterday and have a good day/rest of the week.  About to make a list to post on here, then run to the store down the street hopefully and eat at some point. Then maybe some people will be in a better mood, if not, that’s their problem and I will go about my day happily with or without them. 

Creative Commons LicenseBrutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Things I've been thinking

Love is a funny thing. I expect it to be easy. I expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. I expect you to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. I expect you to calm me down when I’m yelling or to chase me when I walk away. I expect so much that I feel entirely and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all my plans. But that’s the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around me can’t comprehend why I do the things I do, or why I fight so hard for something that seems to cause me so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. I guess I don't either though, because I shouldn't expect those things.That being said, there's a lot going on in my life on the love side. I don't know how it will turn out. I know it can't stay this way forever. I don't want it to. I don't even know what I want to happen. I literally can't make a choice there. No matter what angle I look at things from. No matter what I find or try to justify there's something that gives me a flag and says no you need to think more and you need this or that to be different. Maybe its because I'm trying to get things perfected and be treated 24-7 exactly how I want to be treated (see above.) I know that cant happen though. I guess the best solution is to continue giving it more time and sooner or later it will solve itself... I hope. Or it could all blow up in my face. Either way... I guess that's yet to be seen and will eventually.

BMFB keeps getting on my nerves. Hes doing better though. With certain things. He was really pissing me off a week or so ago when Tooth-fairy was over and he was making snide comments. He had been doing so all day long. He had been making comments all day about Cyanide and about Siberia and even my mom which REALLY pissed me off. I guess in a way I asked for it cause the night before I asked him to do something for me in a way, to see if it could help me feel better and just because I was having a stupid moment I guess. I'm glad he said no, but at the same time I guess it opened the door for him to be a dick for the day. He realized after Tooth-fairy left that I was really pissed off and he came in my room later to apologize and say that he didn't completely realize what he was doing, and that I knew why. Which I do but that's not for me to say here. Hes been doing a bit better since then. I never seem to help though. Maybe that's just part of things I don't know. But hes realized and been more careful about things we have talked about since that night and the next morning. Been spending more times as guys and doing things to keep us both occupied and confident I guess for lack of a better word. I wish it would warm up again, I want to go hiking and really don't want to in this weather. I don't want to do much at all in this weather really but hes helped keep me healthy and active. I'm thankful for it. I don't say thanks for him enough, hes always helping no matter what role hes playing in my life at the time. He doesn't mind the changes and I know he won't leave my side. I'm glad I'm able to see that now. I can't say that for much of anyone else still, if anyone. 

Cyanide has been trying to be helpful with many things as well. Its been rough though. A lot of confusion on both sides and fears at least from me. I can't say much on her side there. I am a little surprised with her patience with me in some things. Other times I know she has gotten rather frustrated with me which didn't help me at the time but that's expected I guess =/ Shes oddly been able to calm me down lately most times. One way or another. I've been upset a lot with things but I can't completely blame her. I'm just glad that in her personal life shes trying to make things better. It may not be going perfect but I do believe shes trying. I hope it remains that way. I do have a few major fears still but those will either go away or will be proven to be true. I guess that's just one of those time things too. I do enjoy the time I get to spend with her. Although not how I would like, but one day I know it will be possible. No matter the role at the time, I look forward to that day and wont rush it.

Tooth-fairy has been stressing me out a lot lately to be honest. I know there's a reason behind it that I can't say yet but its very stressful and frightening for me. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing really and just kinda run when she says to, if I can. Kinda my responsibility to do so but its frustrating due to the fact its not just my problem and she isn't completely helpless. She's just completely on my nerves. Things have to be more perfect than usual. She hasn't taken my feelings into consideration much and keeps pushing the ones I do express, aside and dismisses as nothing serious. Shes been sweet at the same time, sorta. She's still trying but is avoiding my feelings. I can't deal with that and pretend to be happy when I'm not completely. She was supposed to attend appt's with me this past week and missed two because shes "dying" but yet I'm not supposed to have any kind of worries or feelings about that. Nor be upset.

Agape-Knight has really been getting my nerves worse than anyone. I saw him the other night, probably the worst idea ever but I had to do something and didn't have much other choice. I hate that part of my life has to revolve on that issue but there's nothing to change it and has to be done just due to nature and the fact to keep my health with that subject, least those things aren't as bad and important as before though so I guess I can be thankful for that. Anyway..... He knew the terms and conditions and says he still understands them but apparently wants to blow up my phone and freak me out at the same time. Quite frustrating. I don't know what to do about it but I know I wont make that mistake again unless I plan to not have terms and conditions but I don't foresee that in my future. I just wish it would stop -.-.

Had my Dr appt Sat for a certain condition that some people know about. If you don't know then you don't need to and can skip this part. But the nurse there basically implied that she thinks I'm a whore and maybe I am after thinking about everything including the night before my appt. Kinda says that I am. But at the same time when I look at the numbers its not really like that. More than I'm proud of but not a whore number. Really kinda low compared to a majority of average men and women. At least I think so. IDK. Anyway, Dr basically put a stint in the area that is effect by this condition and some kinda stitch as well to see if it will heal up and help the issue. If not then I may be going back into the hospital for a few days to correct the problem in a more surgical setting but a lot less recovery time than last year. I'm a bit scared and it also makes me think some on the news I got a week or so ago but at the same time I shouldn't be doubting anything with it comes to that cause I know the situation and I know the feelings I have about it and I know the truth. I'll still be verifying it one day but I don't think I really need to but with the way my family is, I will be doing it anyway.

Not sure what else to write about right now. A lot still on my mind but this has helped some. Not sure how but I know it has. I need to go get dinner started before my kids get back from shopping with BMFB. I also need to get some health things taken care of and hope it doesn't cause me more issues. I need relaxation too but that wont happen anytime soon. -.-

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Things I found... maybe of importance maybe not... but I can access easier now

Back in July when everything went down, a lot in my life changed. A lot before that changed too. I got married in Ireland. Not legal in US apparently because we didn’t get the certificate in the US or switch it over to be registered. That may change, it may not. Due to issues we have been having since May. I am weighing options. Now that being said, I found out some news that complicates everything. That news isn’t being revealed yet and wont until January at the least. I hope that by then I will know what will be happening but nothing ever goes as planned so we will see. Anyways, before July happened, well techniqually back before Nov of last year, I was writing a lot in a journal. I thought I had stopped that but I found some stuff that I had written since Nov till said day in July..It wasn’t easy to find but I have…. I’ve been going over a lot of it. For some reason I want to share some of it………in no particular order, over the next few posts probably….

Written July 2nd….
“You haven’t left my thoughts. Ever. Not even once. To put it quite simply, I miss you. I miss the way you would confide in me. I miss the stories you would unfold in my ears. I miss feeling your smile even if it was only on the phone. I miss every moment lived with you. I despise every moment without you. I miss the portrait I’ve painted of you with my mind. And I could spend hours trying to explain why it still hurts, but it’s quite complicated and all I know is that I miss you. And sometimes I’d rather not know that you miss me too.
I would love to know why the thought of you still keeps me restless at the oddest hours of the day, but what I would love even more is to know if I have the same effect on you. Your eyes are still my favorite place to get lost in. Your heart is still the only place I can call home. Your arms are the single greatest comfort I’ve come to know. And call me crazy, but I don’t think you’ll ever understand the effect your smile has on me.
Sometimes when I look at you, I just want to kiss you. More than anything, I just want one kiss. A kiss to tell me that you trust your lips against mine. A kiss to prove to me that I can still see the world with my eyes closed. A kiss to remind me that actions do truly speak louder than words. I miss the paradoxical feeling of having my lungs filled with the sweetest air possible, yet still feel so breathless.
It terrified me that I had the responsibility of catching you when you said you were falling in love with me. Not because I wasn’t ready or that I wasn’t already in love with you, but because I’ve never been trusted with such fragile and genuine feelings before. I failed you. And now what terrifies me the most is that you request me not to be there to catch you.
But it already feels like an eternity ago when it was all so real. I traded away the happiness I found in your hands that fit so perfectly with mine. I traded away the peace I found when you rested your head on my chest to listen to my heart beat. I traded away the harmony I found in your voice when you talked me to sleep while you  ran my fingers through my hair. I traded away the bliss I felt when you first called me Hun and made me realize that I would never be the same again. I traded away the way you made me feel that nothing else has compared or even come close to. And I’m afraid that nothing ever will.
I’ve lost you, and yet I still love you. A different definition this time around. A love that I’ve gradually learned from you. Unspoken. Unconditional. Resilient. You drive me crazy and keep me sane at the same time and I wouldn’t want it any other way. At times it hurts to love you, and it fills me with anger that I become ashamed to feel. Ashamed, not just for the wrong things that I have done, but also for the right things that I failed to do.
I forced myself out of a love that was given to me unconditionally. I forced myself into the dark, until I could no longer remember how to feel with my eyes. I forced my mind to believe that I loved you more than you ever loved me. But the worst part was selling my soul for a price I know I can never repay, and forcing myself into thinking that you never truly loved me because you never would’ve left. It brings a subtle devastation to my life knowing we could never be, because I was always willing to bet my life that you were meant for me.
You were the kind of secret I couldn’t keep to myself. And I didn’t really think about where it would end up because I was so enthralled in trying to recapture the best feeling that I’ve ever felt. No excuses. I turned my back on the one person that believed they could count on me. Never in a million years will I ever be able to forgive myself for destroying the world I once considered my everything. Not being able to have the only thing you want out of life hurts a lot more than they say it would. And I deserve every morsel of pain and suffering. I just hope one day that I’ll fully comprehend how much you truly loved me.
Think of this as a simple love letter- full of emotions I cannot express, telling you everything you should hear with the words only my heart could comprehend. You are everything when I’m convinced that I should be nothing at all. Simply put, thank you. For every second of your time, every ounce of your patience, every bit of your effort, and every drop of your love.”

June 30th
“These pills aren’t working anymore, I think dick head got a hold of my bottle and changed them with something else. There’s no other explanation. I went on a mission today at work. I just know any moment now these missions are going to turn out like the factory and I won’t make it out. I kind of wouldn’t mind if that happened. It is kind of a scary thought though. I guess I was panicky and Boss noticed. He gave me some new meds and says that everyone is on them. Helps keep calm I guess. Seems to have helped. The mission was a bust though, nothing happened. I wish dickhead would stop trying to “help” me though. He only wants to ruin my life worse than he already has. It’s not enough that he took the one thing I love, away from me. He has to take the only thing that helps me get by away too. He thinks I’m an addict but I’m not, I need this stuff for the pain and to say calm and sane. He won’t stop till I’m destroyed though. That won’t happen though, I’m stronger than him and he knows it. Proven today in my office, he looked so pathetic.”

May 8th
“I’m sorry for the fights that we get into. I’m sorry for making you cry. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry I get jealous. I’m sorry I act childish sometimes. I’m sorry I’m a pain in the ass sometimes. And I’m sorry for everything that I do to make you unhappy.”

I think that’s all I want to add right now. The rest aren’t very significant or interesting to me at the moment I don’t think. I still need to read through more of them.  

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Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Saturday, November 30, 2013


Now that everything (well almost everything) that I’ve been dealing with has come to a close…I can now write a post and maybe start writing more often again. My ex has been trying to gain visitation of her son again but she has failed and is not allowed to try again until hes 16 and then that would be his choice. So a lot has happened since I last posted.

Basically, Some stuff from work has went down… I cant completely talk about that yet because its still going on and probably will be for some time. I turn a very bad turn though due to the fact that people I thought for SOME reason… cared about me… and was trying to help me. I was wrong. I basically started using pain meds to self medicate and could barely function… I got hurt a few times and messed up somethings I'm sure. I was becoming dependent on alcohol as well. The people I love didn't notice or didn’t care or left me. I tried to push the last few away. Things got worse when Tooth fairy left me. We were supposed to have a life together but my actions changed that I guess.

Then I lost 2 of the most important people to me. The one in July made everything 10 times worse. I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I had nothing but the meds and alcohol. Didn't think I deserved my kids and didn’t think they even loved me. I kept pushing BMFB away and he kept trying to get me help. Got in a few very intense fights with him and blamed him for a lot of things when it wasn’t his fault. He did what he could to help me and keep me safe most of my life and I basically turned on him.

In july after Keith passed away, and things got 10 times worse… a week later… I tried to take my own life. Probably would have succeeded if it wasn’t for BMFB. He found me and got me help and has helped me get back on my feet and make me realize I’m loved. Toothfairy couldn’t stand to be around me in the state I was in before July and left in May… I hated her if that’s even possible… for a short time. She was pretty much the only thing I wanted in life but now that things are getting put back together Idk. Its really complicated. I’m not the same man I was. I probably never will be. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I know a lot has changed between us (as well as other people in my life)… I’m scared it will never go back to how it was (or better).

I halfass entertained trying to have superwoman back in my life instead but that was clearly a bad idea. She just made me feel worse about myself and feel very unloved just like before. Shes made an exit from my life as even a friend pretty much…

I found out in September that Little Bunny FuFu passed away. Which really upsets me cause he left my life in April and I never understood why. I never will understand. I wanted to try to make amends a few days before he passed away and I didn't because I didn’t know what to say then the day I figured out what to say, I found out he passed away that day. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be said. I’ll never have complete closure with that one. It really sucks and really hurts but I guess its part of life and reminds one that life is fragile and to always say what you need to say before its too late because it could be too late, in the blink of an eye…

Anyway… not long before or after that or at the same time idr… but Cyanide came back into my life. Shes now living in my area again. Hopefully for good. Who knows though. Its happened a few times… I just hope she can get the help and assistance she needs to have a good happy life with her children. I hope she can learn to love herself and continue to learn to be a better mother. Its always a learning process and I guess some are slower than others, but even more when theres not much of an example around most of the time. She has that now and maybe she will utilize it instead of fight it. Learn to take the path less traveled, usually harder because the obstacles are not already cut out of the way but the path that is continuously traveled by people, is rather dangerous and they don’t make it out very good if at all.. I’ve learned that quite recently myself after switching from the hard/less traveled path to the easy path… I’m back on the difficult path. Maybe she will follow idk. I know shes had some struggles lately as well and I’ve kinda attempted to be there for her with those things but I could have done a better job I’m sure. Yet shes pissed me off a lot as well but its still not much of an excuse I guess. She came back before Tooth Fairy agreed to be my friend or something, again. Cyanide told me some very personal things which I wont put in my blog obviously but due to those things she told me she wasn’t ready to be close to anyone. I trusted that and left her alone… or tried to. Thought with our history it might have been a little different but I didn’t want to push anything. I still have some issues myself because of July and just everything in my life before that. I didn’t really hint at anything it was more of nudging I guess… kinda like when you go to get in a pool and you’re scared a little cause its cold so you just put your toe in and then yank it back out… instead of just jumping straight in… it was kinda like that… The water doesn’t notice you putting your toe in… it barely makes a ripple I guess but it senses it… when you jump in completely it makes a huge mess and everyone sees and hears it. I was scared and being careful and I guess too careful… the water didn’t notice. I was kinda ok with that in a way cause I thought it was supposed to be that way, the water wasn’t ready I thought… that’s what it told me… and I was scared because of that and my own things. So I listened for once. Every opening that did come, was taken away or closed... I tried to help and failed like usual…someone else got the water to warm up for them though… very easily. I wasn’t given a chance. Maybe because of doubt or something but still could have tried. The water isnt mine to play in or near and I saw that so I tried to follow Tooth Fairy and figure since Cyanide is off limits from what I saw… then tooth fairy was my final choice and to try again. Thought Cyanide would be the less bias person considering the connection everyone else has/had to tooth fairy…

Apparently I was wrong again.. Always am. Still nothing solid in my life. No one solid in my life. Except BMFB. As much as I fight him, hes always here. Always trying to keep me safe still. Always trying to keep me healthy and positive. Very wonderful man. But he cant fix everything. If I had one more thing I’d be happy but I cant seem to get it. I could stop fighting him and just let that happen because I know it would with him but it would bring a lot of drama and devastation like Tooth Fairy did, with the people around us. Plus even though I’ve pretty much given up on children and that would basically make me have 4 kids… it would be all boys. I really want another girl… of my own. Maybe for the wrong reasons IDK but it what I want and he cant give that. I’ll probably never get one anyway no matter what route I get the privilege of taking… I guess I’m only given what God wants me to have and I fked up with the first girl so he wont allow me to have another.

In other news I have switched agencies at work. Now working for another city, while still being part-time for my old one mostly to keep an eye on certain things and see what happens and see what I can do about things. I have to keep that connection open until its all over with. They don’t give me much time over there but when they do I typically try to take vacation time or compensation time or sick time or leave time or something so I don’t have to work there… unless I know it wont be that bad of a day probably or theres a reason behind me actually being there. Its worked out pretty good so far and should for some time. Helps keep me away from the person that helped crash my life, yet I can still keep an eye on the bastard. So to sum things up so far since this is a long post… I get to keep Mattheu and Demon Seed Whore isnt allowed near him still. My life crashed and burned for a while. Stanley died, Keith died… More crash and burn. Little Bunny FuFu died and I’ll never have closure. Tooth Fairy is a confusing woman and idk what to do with her, shes been trying some the past week or so more than before but idk how to feel for various reasons. Cyanide is clueless or doesn’t care or idfk really. I see the behavior and I hear the words, in a few different forms and I don’t know how to react…I react to how I’m treated (As with everyone) yet I’m kinda shown, and halfass hear something different so im really confused, probably doesn’t matter though. Superwoman is bad for me and will never make my life complete… way too immature and clingy with the lifestyle of a 16 yr old. BMFB is my guardian. New job. Will never be 100% happy because I don’t see it in Gods plan because I’ve already fked up his trust and he doesn’t trust me with any of his angels anymore, my allowance has ran out.

Now…to add to some things since I left them out or didn’t find a place to put them or something idk… this isnt a very organized post if you havent figured that out. After trying to end my life, I started going to another support group that people who have done the same, attend. They made me make a box full of stuff that makes me happy and makes positive thoughts happen or good distractions. For me to look at when I feel down. They didn’t like most of what went on with me making this box or half the things I put in it. My box though and I know what makes me happy. The only problem with this box, is that everytime I look at it, in the end it ends up reminding me of the things I don’t have in it. Things I wanted to put in it but couldn’t find. I wanted something from Agape-Knight but the only thing I could find was a card, and a playbill… not very personal for me… the playbill helps some but eh… I wanted more. For some reason I put some shit from Demon Seed Whore, in there… I don’t know why though cause it always makes me mad. I wanted something from Cyanide but I couldn’t find anything. I put a card from superwoman in there but it upsets me too, nothing special really to put in there that fits and probably shouldn’t have anything from her anyway considering the unstableness of shit between us over the years and how it makes me feel. I couldn’t find anything I wanted to put in there from Keith either but that was fixed later on. I think the lack of stuff from some of these people upset me more than others because other people around me had stuff from those people that was special and meant something. And I could also find/remember stuff from myself that was given/said to some of them that was special but none to me. I searched all of my belongings in my house, and everything I’ve packed up and all of my emails and letters and shit. Looking for stuff… Failed. My box is still not full like its supposed to be. But good enough I guess. Upsetting though really. Pointless. This whole group is a waste of time really. I always feel worse afterwards and end up in BMFB’s arms crying and feeling worthless. I think I’ll quit the group… I hate quitting things but this isnt good for me.

Idk what else I want to write about right now so if I think of anything else I’ll make another post. I just wanted to get a good deal of things out since its been almost a year since I’ve posted. I hope everyone else in blog world is well. I will be catching up on everyones blogs since I havent even been reading blogs during my absence. Except for one or two.  

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Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.