Back in July when everything went down, a lot in my life changed. A lot before that changed too. I got married in Ireland. Not legal in US apparently because we didn’t get the certificate in the US or switch it over to be registered. That may change, it may not. Due to issues we have been having since May. I am weighing options. Now that being said, I found out some news that complicates everything. That news isn’t being revealed yet and wont until January at the least. I hope that by then I will know what will be happening but nothing ever goes as planned so we will see. Anyways, before July happened, well techniqually back before Nov of last year, I was writing a lot in a journal. I thought I had stopped that but I found some stuff that I had written since Nov till said day in July..It wasn’t easy to find but I have…. I’ve been going over a lot of it. For some reason I want to share some of it………in no particular order, over the next few posts probably….
Written July 2nd….
“You haven’t left my thoughts. Ever. Not even once. To put it quite simply, I miss you. I miss the way you would confide in me. I miss the stories you would unfold in my ears. I miss feeling your smile even if it was only on the phone. I miss every moment lived with you. I despise every moment without you. I miss the portrait I’ve painted of you with my mind. And I could spend hours trying to explain why it still hurts, but it’s quite complicated and all I know is that I miss you. And sometimes I’d rather not know that you miss me too.
I would love to know why the thought of you still keeps me restless at the oddest hours of the day, but what I would love even more is to know if I have the same effect on you. Your eyes are still my favorite place to get lost in. Your heart is still the only place I can call home. Your arms are the single greatest comfort I’ve come to know. And call me crazy, but I don’t think you’ll ever understand the effect your smile has on me.
Sometimes when I look at you, I just want to kiss you. More than anything, I just want one kiss. A kiss to tell me that you trust your lips against mine. A kiss to prove to me that I can still see the world with my eyes closed. A kiss to remind me that actions do truly speak louder than words. I miss the paradoxical feeling of having my lungs filled with the sweetest air possible, yet still feel so breathless.
It terrified me that I had the responsibility of catching you when you said you were falling in love with me. Not because I wasn’t ready or that I wasn’t already in love with you, but because I’ve never been trusted with such fragile and genuine feelings before. I failed you. And now what terrifies me the most is that you request me not to be there to catch you.
But it already feels like an eternity ago when it was all so real. I traded away the happiness I found in your hands that fit so perfectly with mine. I traded away the peace I found when you rested your head on my chest to listen to my heart beat. I traded away the harmony I found in your voice when you talked me to sleep while you ran my fingers through my hair. I traded away the bliss I felt when you first called me Hun and made me realize that I would never be the same again. I traded away the way you made me feel that nothing else has compared or even come close to. And I’m afraid that nothing ever will.
I’ve lost you, and yet I still love you. A different definition this time around. A love that I’ve gradually learned from you. Unspoken. Unconditional. Resilient. You drive me crazy and keep me sane at the same time and I wouldn’t want it any other way. At times it hurts to love you, and it fills me with anger that I become ashamed to feel. Ashamed, not just for the wrong things that I have done, but also for the right things that I failed to do.
I forced myself out of a love that was given to me unconditionally. I forced myself into the dark, until I could no longer remember how to feel with my eyes. I forced my mind to believe that I loved you more than you ever loved me. But the worst part was selling my soul for a price I know I can never repay, and forcing myself into thinking that you never truly loved me because you never would’ve left. It brings a subtle devastation to my life knowing we could never be, because I was always willing to bet my life that you were meant for me.
You were the kind of secret I couldn’t keep to myself. And I didn’t really think about where it would end up because I was so enthralled in trying to recapture the best feeling that I’ve ever felt. No excuses. I turned my back on the one person that believed they could count on me. Never in a million years will I ever be able to forgive myself for destroying the world I once considered my everything. Not being able to have the only thing you want out of life hurts a lot more than they say it would. And I deserve every morsel of pain and suffering. I just hope one day that I’ll fully comprehend how much you truly loved me.
Think of this as a simple love letter- full of emotions I cannot express, telling you everything you should hear with the words only my heart could comprehend. You are everything when I’m convinced that I should be nothing at all. Simply put, thank you. For every second of your time, every ounce of your patience, every bit of your effort, and every drop of your love.”
“These pills aren’t working anymore, I think dick head got a hold of my bottle and changed them with something else. There’s no other explanation. I went on a mission today at work. I just know any moment now these missions are going to turn out like the factory and I won’t make it out. I kind of wouldn’t mind if that happened. It is kind of a scary thought though. I guess I was panicky and Boss noticed. He gave me some new meds and says that everyone is on them. Helps keep calm I guess. Seems to have helped. The mission was a bust though, nothing happened. I wish dickhead would stop trying to “help” me though. He only wants to ruin my life worse than he already has. It’s not enough that he took the one thing I love, away from me. He has to take the only thing that helps me get by away too. He thinks I’m an addict but I’m not, I need this stuff for the pain and to say calm and sane. He won’t stop till I’m destroyed though. That won’t happen though, I’m stronger than him and he knows it. Proven today in my office, he looked so pathetic.”
“I’m sorry for the fights that we get into. I’m sorry for making you cry. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry I get jealous. I’m sorry I act childish sometimes. I’m sorry I’m a pain in the ass sometimes. And I’m sorry for everything that I do to make you unhappy.”
I think that’s all I want to add right now. The rest aren’t very significant or interesting to me at the moment I don’t think. I still need to read through more of them.
Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.