Things I've been thinking

Love is a funny thing. I expect it to be easy. I expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. I expect you to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. I expect you to calm me down when I’m yelling or to chase me when I walk away. I expect so much that I feel entirely and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all my plans. But that’s the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around me can’t comprehend why I do the things I do, or why I fight so hard for something that seems to cause me so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. I guess I don't either though, because I shouldn't expect those things.That being said, there's a lot going on in my life on the love side. I don't know how it will turn out. I know it can't stay this way forever. I don't want it to. I don't even know what I want to happen. I literally can't make a choice there. No matter what angle I look at things from. No matter what I find or try to justify there's something that gives me a flag and says no you need to think more and you need this or that to be different. Maybe its because I'm trying to get things perfected and be treated 24-7 exactly how I want to be treated (see above.) I know that cant happen though. I guess the best solution is to continue giving it more time and sooner or later it will solve itself... I hope. Or it could all blow up in my face. Either way... I guess that's yet to be seen and will eventually.

BMFB keeps getting on my nerves. Hes doing better though. With certain things. He was really pissing me off a week or so ago when Tooth-fairy was over and he was making snide comments. He had been doing so all day long. He had been making comments all day about Cyanide and about Siberia and even my mom which REALLY pissed me off. I guess in a way I asked for it cause the night before I asked him to do something for me in a way, to see if it could help me feel better and just because I was having a stupid moment I guess. I'm glad he said no, but at the same time I guess it opened the door for him to be a dick for the day. He realized after Tooth-fairy left that I was really pissed off and he came in my room later to apologize and say that he didn't completely realize what he was doing, and that I knew why. Which I do but that's not for me to say here. Hes been doing a bit better since then. I never seem to help though. Maybe that's just part of things I don't know. But hes realized and been more careful about things we have talked about since that night and the next morning. Been spending more times as guys and doing things to keep us both occupied and confident I guess for lack of a better word. I wish it would warm up again, I want to go hiking and really don't want to in this weather. I don't want to do much at all in this weather really but hes helped keep me healthy and active. I'm thankful for it. I don't say thanks for him enough, hes always helping no matter what role hes playing in my life at the time. He doesn't mind the changes and I know he won't leave my side. I'm glad I'm able to see that now. I can't say that for much of anyone else still, if anyone. 


Cyanide has been trying to be helpful with many things as well. Its been rough though. A lot of confusion on both sides and fears at least from me. I can't say much on her side there. I am a little surprised with her patience with me in some things. Other times I know she has gotten rather frustrated with me which didn't help me at the time but that's expected I guess =/ Shes oddly been able to calm me down lately most times. One way or another. I've been upset a lot with things but I can't completely blame her. I'm just glad that in her personal life shes trying to make things better. It may not be going perfect but I do believe shes trying. I hope it remains that way. I do have a few major fears still but those will either go away or will be proven to be true. I guess that's just one of those time things too. I do enjoy the time I get to spend with her. Although not how I would like, but one day I know it will be possible. No matter the role at the time, I look forward to that day and wont rush it.


Tooth-fairy has been stressing me out a lot lately to be honest. I know there's a reason behind it that I can't say yet but its very stressful and frightening for me. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing really and just kinda run when she says to, if I can. Kinda my responsibility to do so but its frustrating due to the fact its not just my problem and she isn't completely helpless. She's just completely on my nerves. Things have to be more perfect than usual. She hasn't taken my feelings into consideration much and keeps pushing the ones I do express, aside and dismisses as nothing serious. Shes been sweet at the same time, sorta. She's still trying but is avoiding my feelings. I can't deal with that and pretend to be happy when I'm not completely. She was supposed to attend appt's with me this past week and missed two because shes "dying" but yet I'm not supposed to have any kind of worries or feelings about that. Nor be upset.

Agape-Knight has really been getting my nerves worse than anyone. I saw him the other night, probably the worst idea ever but I had to do something and didn't have much other choice. I hate that part of my life has to revolve on that issue but there's nothing to change it and has to be done just due to nature and the fact to keep my health with that subject, well...at least those things aren't as bad and important as before though so I guess I can be thankful for that. Anyway..... He knew the terms and conditions and says he still understands them but apparently wants to blow up my phone and freak me out at the same time. Quite frustrating. I don't know what to do about it but I know I wont make that mistake again unless I plan to not have terms and conditions but I don't foresee that in my future. I just wish it would stop -.-.


Had my Dr appt Sat for a certain condition that some people know about. If you don't know then you don't need to and can skip this part. But the nurse there basically implied that she thinks I'm a whore and maybe I am after thinking about everything including the night before my appt. Kinda says that I am. But at the same time when I look at the numbers its not really like that. More than I'm proud of but not a whore number. Really kinda low compared to a majority of average men and women. At least I think so. IDK. Anyway, Dr basically put a stint in the area that is effect by this condition and some kinda stitch as well to see if it will heal up and help the issue. If not then I may be going back into the hospital for a few days to correct the problem in a more surgical setting but a lot less recovery time than last year. I'm a bit scared and it also makes me think some on the news I got a week or so ago but at the same time I shouldn't be doubting anything with it comes to that cause I know the situation and I know the feelings I have about it and I know the truth. I'll still be verifying it one day but I don't think I really need to but with the way my family is, I will be doing it anyway.


Not sure what else to write about right now. A lot still on my mind but this has helped some. Not sure how but I know it has. I need to go get dinner started before my kids get back from shopping with BMFB. I also need to get some health things taken care of and hope it doesn't cause me more issues. I need relaxation too but that wont happen anytime soon. -.-

Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.