Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year...

I felt really strange this year, because this was the first year ever that we did not organize the normal get together or anything. We didn’t do thanksgiving in our normal location. Everyone came here to where I live and the surrounding areas. Same for Christmas. New years we were all spread in different locations, I didn’t go to NY this year for my own reasons but I really wish I had. Although at the same time I am glad I didn’t because the celebration seemed to suck from what I saw of it on TV. 

That being said, I hope this year is better than the last. It hasn’t started very good and I will explain why in a few moments. I don’t think this year can be much worse though… Last year started off with conflict between my family and a few friends. A couple of other friends being absent from my life but that’s not really new. I was soon in the hospital after that, in a coma for a couple of days. I found out that something I fought for was a complete lie and now I regret helping that cause out. I will regret that for a time to come. I could probably correct it but there really is no point. I found out some rather bad news that REALLY upset me but apparently isn’t as devastating now as it seemed then. People around me started dropping like flies pretty much for no other way to say that right now. Some of which were VERY important to me. I made what may or may not be a mistake in another country, still yet to be known on that. Very bad break up of sorts. Tried to kill myself to put that bluntly. Tried to/threatened to kill my best friend a couple times prior to that. Everyone around me continuing to fall apart or die. My nephew was in the hospital very sick and had surgery but recovered. Finally got off the meds and alcohol that was holding me in its grip for the whole year to this point. Lost someone else that was rather important to me. Got back in contact with someone that I really care about. Someone else that I really care about also came back into my life. A lot of struggles with certain people. Struggles with the meds and alcohol due to various reasons. Quite a few lies that have hurt me very badly came from people that I’ve tried to trust. I made a couple of mistakes and recognized them and aired them right after the fact but still regret those things. Found out some news that I really didn’t think would happen anytime soon due to the facts of things. Plans that were very important to me fell through and I was unable to go about my normal traditions. Add in all the things that have gone wrong at work over the year, all of the stress of that, all of the injuries and losses. 

There has been more but this sums it up good enough. So I’m praying this year will be better. I am planning to rebuild some relationships/friendships. I am planning to get closer in my relationship with God, since that has been struggling all year because of the turns I have taken. I have let things get in my way. I have let things distract me. I have let things discourage me. I have let things make me feel less confident. I am done with that. I am going to take steps to change these things again and hopefully better the aspects of my life that I need to better. For myself, my children and who ever chooses to be in my life. 

That being said, my new year ended badly and started off quite badly so far. Only 12 and half hours in… So there is still a chance for things to get better. First let’s start with how things ended. Work was hell, dealt with 2 suicide attempts and one that was successful, so 3 in total. That isn’t anything new but it is always hard for me. It was hard before this year but worse now.  I am thankful for the ones that I get a chance to talk to and maybe make their thinking a little better but the others are really discouraging.  I dealt with 6 wrecks, 5 of which were major, one a roll over with a child in very bad condition which later passed away. Dealt with a quite hostile situation involving weapons went well but was stressful. All of this and still had 6 hours left of work. 

Received some messages that made me happy and feel loved in some sort of way probably not the way I should yet but still felt something in relation to that, a reminder in a more prominent way, that I had reasons to come home at the end of the day, reasons to fight hard the next 6 hours. Went back to work with a renewed attitude and energy to do my job and help people to the best of my ability. Things were still stressful and shitty with a dwi that ended in a scrap/road rash down half of my arm, a very bad assault/domestic issue involving weapons that ended in another dwi with a scuffle, a couple more major wrecks that weren’t that bad just typical wrecks more or less. The rest was mostly typical crap as well. At some point in the day I also ended up with a small scrap on my eyelid… Not sure when or what it’s from exactly but it is there and it is annoying. Least of my problems though. 

At some point during these last 6 hours things changed, got better for about 30 minutes then started to go back to worse than when I had the renewal point… I tried to ignore that and just get through the day and focus on my children and the possibility of good things as well… but just got worse from there on out. Things were showing me and telling me negative things. I planned to have a conversation about it once home but that was derailed due to BMFB’s ex wife showing up at my house... took about 45 mins to take care of. 

Tried to relax a little and rest for a few before taking on conversations and plans but appeared to me that things weren’t possible. The overwhelming feeling of someone having no faith in me, took over, something I had been fighting for a couple of days anyway. Should have continued to push that back but couldn’t. A shitty conversation took place that didn’t involve reveling much of what I felt and needed to address since the reason I needed to address it was no longer valid. With an hour left before the New Year was officially here, I tried to redirect things and possibly salvage at least that hour, no matter the method. That didn’t happen. Things went on for almost another hour or so until I gave up and was almost in tears. Still apparently an issue to this very moment, one I refuse to acknowledge much further, in the current way it is being handled by others involved. I’ve handled it bad enough on my side as it is anyway, after giving up that is. 

Had a very weak moment from all of the stress and physical pain of the day (which I wanted to distress from hours previously and thought would be given the opportunity one way or another), add in the lack of that, emotional issues and no one around… drank/chugged 3/4th of a bottle of whiskey and at some point caused an issue to myself and texted (pissed off) someone I shouldn’t have but passed out before anything got worse. I could have easily handled the situation at that point better but choose not to since no one else ever does but again that’s something I want to change for myself when things that effect me this way, occur. 

All of that being said…..I’m going to say some things I wanted to say last night… Skip the whole wanting to discuss my day, enough has been said here, not my feelings about it or major details but good enough for this location and I have someone that I can have that discussion with if need be later. Other than that regarding the plans for last night, I was willing to try and let those come through, granted it did not but if it had I would have wanted to discuss what would occur and that I felt scared and that I didn’t know how to prevent anything I didn’t want to happen or wasn’t ready to happen, from happening. I know that someone else would say it wouldn’t and would promise it and so forth but due to the nature of things and history, I don’t see that standing true even if tried because that would either go out the door with me going against my own judgment and fears… or if it tried to stay that way and I thought my mind had changed, I would probably end up, upset and say I wasn’t good enough as many others have shown me (when this issue wasn’t really existent in those instances). Seemed like a very frustrating and delicate situation for me and wanted a discussion and maybe some sort of plan even if it would probably fail somehow. I wanted to at least feel secure going into things. (Would have) Helped and didn’t help that BMFB was home. 

I tried to discuss these things before things were completely fked but didn’t get to discuss it, instead some other thoughts that I guess I have been feeling, came out about me feeling as if what I wanted and felt didn’t matter. Which I have felt like that in some ways, when things are just done and decided for me without me having a choice. Happens with a lot of people really but more frustrating with some than others. Not really sure why that is but it all frustrates me either way. 

I wanted to discuss this as well after certain plans were carried out, somewhat unrelated but still a concern in my mind... aside from the obvious reasons, as to why I didn’t like people coming to my work, announced or not… It’s something I rarely let happen. I don’t really like to meet anywhere on my lunches even with other officers but I do at times since I don’t have much choice. I don’t even like meeting up with my children on lunch while I’m working but I will do anything for them. Same directly before and directly after work. All related to the need to separate work and home, the need to distress, the difficulty of switching from work authority to home loving and back again. I am thankful that certain people have learned to respect this. I wish more people would as well and truly understand it instead of being butt hurt. I appreciate the thoughts and efforts even if it isn’t something I truly welcome or if it doesn’t work properly. 

Also some people unrelated to last night, but throwing this out there since it is related… people need to realize that I am on call 24-7 in Dallas and that will eventually be true for Allen as well. It doesn’t matter where I am, or what I am doing… If I get paged to come in, I have to go 99% of the time. It is rare that I can get out of something like that. Its either a mandate or the shit has hit the fan typically or is about to and I need to be there. It has happened and people get upset or pissed off, either at me or not, the feeling still radiates and puts me at risk for a few things. I understand being upset but for the majority of the day or longer and not really getting over it and moving on, bother me. 

There are a lot of other things that bother me too unrelated to last night or anyone involved in last night, but I will take those things up directly with those people later today. There is probably more I could say or in more detail but this pretty much puts it out there. Hopefully clear enough without misunderstanding. I want to move on from last night/yesterday and have a good day/rest of the week.  About to make a list to post on here, then run to the store down the street hopefully and eat at some point. Then maybe some people will be in a better mood, if not, that’s their problem and I will go about my day happily with or without them. 

Creative Commons LicenseBrutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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