Please read the page "The One You Left Behind- Disclaimer and such" at the top of the page before you read this. This is entry 7 of a mini series to read all other entries please see the link section in my side bar near the middle of the page, right below blog archive. Can't miss it. :) Thanks!
Love, The One You Left Behind (12-25-07)
3 years ago today, we were sitting together outside. We were laughing and having fun. It was 79 degrees that day. Yes, even though it was Christmas. The sun was shining, and I was happy. Today is not like that. I am sitting outside alone. I am not laughing, or having fun. Its 30 degrees outside. Its dark and I am not happy. I wish I was, but how can I be happy when everything about today, everything about this holiday reminds me of you. You used to plan out Christmas. You made sure the gift switch went perfectly so that everyone got a gift. You told everyone what food to bring, and you talked to me. Well, today, I didn't get a gift. Today we have 4 chocolate cakes and 3 dressings, but no banana pudding, and no macaroni. Today we have a lot of meat, but no bread. Today I have a lot of family, but no mom. No friends. Nobody that could possibly understand how I feel today. But I do have a bunch of people telling me, "It's been 2 years, you should get over it and stop acting so dark." Get over it? Can you believe that? Get over it, like its a lake and within a certain amount of time I should be passed it and able to move on. Well I haven't moved on, and honestly I don't know if I will be able to just, "Get over it." I don't think these people understand what they are asking me to do. So I'm gonna say what I think they are telling me to do and you tell me if I got it right? They are asking me to move on with my life after someone who I saw almost everyday of my life was taken out. They are telling me to get over it as if it is a summer fling or some kind of cold. I didn't know there was a time limit on how long you could still feel affects from losing a parent. Well my bad. I'm so sorry I bring my gloominess and despair to this family. Well you know what? I DIDN'T WANNA BE HERE TODAY! I would have so much rather spent time alone than with anyone else in the entire world. Nobody in this world can feel the pain I'm going through. I'm not saying nobody knows what it feels like to lose a parent, but I am saying that no one knows what it feels like to be me and have lost my parent. So when people come up to me and say look at this person, they are doing fine, or look at that person she is doing fine I think, "Woopty freakin doo!" That person is not me so I don't give a flying pancake. I really just want to talk to, you know. He doesn't pretend to understand, or to be able to relate. He just listens. He listens and he doesn't tell me everything is okay, because everything is not okay. I don't have a mom and that is not okay. You know one time he told me. "Its okay to be sad." Nobody else told me that. You know whats funny? At your funeral the pastor told sissy,"Its okay to be sad." Then he looked to me and said,"You have to take care of her." I have to take care of her? How am I supposed to do that? I was 15! I was 15 and had just lost my mother, but I was forced to put my emotions away and take care of other people. Make other people happy, and let them know that it is okay to be sad, but I cant be sad. I have to stay strong for my grandmother. That's what sissy's dad said. I have to take charge, because you would want me to. Funny. 3 years ago today, we were sitting together outside. You told me that you loved me, but one day I would have to love myself. Now I gotta ask you, is it okay to be sad first?
Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.