Saturday, November 30, 2013


Now that everything (well almost everything) that I’ve been dealing with has come to a close…I can now write a post and maybe start writing more often again. My ex has been trying to gain visitation of her son again but she has failed and is not allowed to try again until hes 16 and then that would be his choice. So a lot has happened since I last posted.

Basically, Some stuff from work has went down… I cant completely talk about that yet because its still going on and probably will be for some time. I turn a very bad turn though due to the fact that people I thought for SOME reason… cared about me… and was trying to help me. I was wrong. I basically started using pain meds to self medicate and could barely function… I got hurt a few times and messed up somethings I'm sure. I was becoming dependent on alcohol as well. The people I love didn't notice or didn’t care or left me. I tried to push the last few away. Things got worse when Tooth fairy left me. We were supposed to have a life together but my actions changed that I guess.

Then I lost 2 of the most important people to me. The one in July made everything 10 times worse. I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I had nothing but the meds and alcohol. Didn't think I deserved my kids and didn’t think they even loved me. I kept pushing BMFB away and he kept trying to get me help. Got in a few very intense fights with him and blamed him for a lot of things when it wasn’t his fault. He did what he could to help me and keep me safe most of my life and I basically turned on him.

In july after Keith passed away, and things got 10 times worse… a week later… I tried to take my own life. Probably would have succeeded if it wasn’t for BMFB. He found me and got me help and has helped me get back on my feet and make me realize I’m loved. Toothfairy couldn’t stand to be around me in the state I was in before July and left in May… I hated her if that’s even possible… for a short time. She was pretty much the only thing I wanted in life but now that things are getting put back together Idk. Its really complicated. I’m not the same man I was. I probably never will be. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I know a lot has changed between us (as well as other people in my life)… I’m scared it will never go back to how it was (or better).

I halfass entertained trying to have superwoman back in my life instead but that was clearly a bad idea. She just made me feel worse about myself and feel very unloved just like before. Shes made an exit from my life as even a friend pretty much…

I found out in September that Little Bunny FuFu passed away. Which really upsets me cause he left my life in April and I never understood why. I never will understand. I wanted to try to make amends a few days before he passed away and I didn't because I didn’t know what to say then the day I figured out what to say, I found out he passed away that day. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be said. I’ll never have complete closure with that one. It really sucks and really hurts but I guess its part of life and reminds one that life is fragile and to always say what you need to say before its too late because it could be too late, in the blink of an eye…

Anyway… not long before or after that or at the same time idr… but Cyanide came back into my life. Shes now living in my area again. Hopefully for good. Who knows though. Its happened a few times… I just hope she can get the help and assistance she needs to have a good happy life with her children. I hope she can learn to love herself and continue to learn to be a better mother. Its always a learning process and I guess some are slower than others, but even more when theres not much of an example around most of the time. She has that now and maybe she will utilize it instead of fight it. Learn to take the path less traveled, usually harder because the obstacles are not already cut out of the way but the path that is continuously traveled by people, is rather dangerous and they don’t make it out very good if at all.. I’ve learned that quite recently myself after switching from the hard/less traveled path to the easy path… I’m back on the difficult path. Maybe she will follow idk. I know shes had some struggles lately as well and I’ve kinda attempted to be there for her with those things but I could have done a better job I’m sure. Yet shes pissed me off a lot as well but its still not much of an excuse I guess. She came back before Tooth Fairy agreed to be my friend or something, again. Cyanide told me some very personal things which I wont put in my blog obviously but due to those things she told me she wasn’t ready to be close to anyone. I trusted that and left her alone… or tried to. Thought with our history it might have been a little different but I didn’t want to push anything. I still have some issues myself because of July and just everything in my life before that. I didn’t really hint at anything it was more of nudging I guess… kinda like when you go to get in a pool and you’re scared a little cause its cold so you just put your toe in and then yank it back out… instead of just jumping straight in… it was kinda like that… The water doesn’t notice you putting your toe in… it barely makes a ripple I guess but it senses it… when you jump in completely it makes a huge mess and everyone sees and hears it. I was scared and being careful and I guess too careful… the water didn’t notice. I was kinda ok with that in a way cause I thought it was supposed to be that way, the water wasn’t ready I thought… that’s what it told me… and I was scared because of that and my own things. So I listened for once. Every opening that did come, was taken away or closed... I tried to help and failed like usual…someone else got the water to warm up for them though… very easily. I wasn’t given a chance. Maybe because of doubt or something but still could have tried. The water isnt mine to play in or near and I saw that so I tried to follow Tooth Fairy and figure since Cyanide is off limits from what I saw… then tooth fairy was my final choice and to try again. Thought Cyanide would be the less bias person considering the connection everyone else has/had to tooth fairy…

Apparently I was wrong again.. Always am. Still nothing solid in my life. No one solid in my life. Except BMFB. As much as I fight him, hes always here. Always trying to keep me safe still. Always trying to keep me healthy and positive. Very wonderful man. But he cant fix everything. If I had one more thing I’d be happy but I cant seem to get it. I could stop fighting him and just let that happen because I know it would with him but it would bring a lot of drama and devastation like Tooth Fairy did, with the people around us. Plus even though I’ve pretty much given up on children and that would basically make me have 4 kids… it would be all boys. I really want another girl… of my own. Maybe for the wrong reasons IDK but it what I want and he cant give that. I’ll probably never get one anyway no matter what route I get the privilege of taking… I guess I’m only given what God wants me to have and I fked up with the first girl so he wont allow me to have another.

In other news I have switched agencies at work. Now working for another city, while still being part-time for my old one mostly to keep an eye on certain things and see what happens and see what I can do about things. I have to keep that connection open until its all over with. They don’t give me much time over there but when they do I typically try to take vacation time or compensation time or sick time or leave time or something so I don’t have to work there… unless I know it wont be that bad of a day probably or theres a reason behind me actually being there. Its worked out pretty good so far and should for some time. Helps keep me away from the person that helped crash my life, yet I can still keep an eye on the bastard. So to sum things up so far since this is a long post… I get to keep Mattheu and Demon Seed Whore isnt allowed near him still. My life crashed and burned for a while. Stanley died, Keith died… More crash and burn. Little Bunny FuFu died and I’ll never have closure. Tooth Fairy is a confusing woman and idk what to do with her, shes been trying some the past week or so more than before but idk how to feel for various reasons. Cyanide is clueless or doesn’t care or idfk really. I see the behavior and I hear the words, in a few different forms and I don’t know how to react…I react to how I’m treated (As with everyone) yet I’m kinda shown, and halfass hear something different so im really confused, probably doesn’t matter though. Superwoman is bad for me and will never make my life complete… way too immature and clingy with the lifestyle of a 16 yr old. BMFB is my guardian. New job. Will never be 100% happy because I don’t see it in Gods plan because I’ve already fked up his trust and he doesn’t trust me with any of his angels anymore, my allowance has ran out.

Now…to add to some things since I left them out or didn’t find a place to put them or something idk… this isnt a very organized post if you havent figured that out. After trying to end my life, I started going to another support group that people who have done the same, attend. They made me make a box full of stuff that makes me happy and makes positive thoughts happen or good distractions. For me to look at when I feel down. They didn’t like most of what went on with me making this box or half the things I put in it. My box though and I know what makes me happy. The only problem with this box, is that everytime I look at it, in the end it ends up reminding me of the things I don’t have in it. Things I wanted to put in it but couldn’t find. I wanted something from Agape-Knight but the only thing I could find was a card, and a playbill… not very personal for me… the playbill helps some but eh… I wanted more. For some reason I put some shit from Demon Seed Whore, in there… I don’t know why though cause it always makes me mad. I wanted something from Cyanide but I couldn’t find anything. I put a card from superwoman in there but it upsets me too, nothing special really to put in there that fits and probably shouldn’t have anything from her anyway considering the unstableness of shit between us over the years and how it makes me feel. I couldn’t find anything I wanted to put in there from Keith either but that was fixed later on. I think the lack of stuff from some of these people upset me more than others because other people around me had stuff from those people that was special and meant something. And I could also find/remember stuff from myself that was given/said to some of them that was special but none to me. I searched all of my belongings in my house, and everything I’ve packed up and all of my emails and letters and shit. Looking for stuff… Failed. My box is still not full like its supposed to be. But good enough I guess. Upsetting though really. Pointless. This whole group is a waste of time really. I always feel worse afterwards and end up in BMFB’s arms crying and feeling worthless. I think I’ll quit the group… I hate quitting things but this isnt good for me.

Idk what else I want to write about right now so if I think of anything else I’ll make another post. I just wanted to get a good deal of things out since its been almost a year since I’ve posted. I hope everyone else in blog world is well. I will be catching up on everyones blogs since I havent even been reading blogs during my absence. Except for one or two.  

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Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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