Person one… Helped me realize that I am capable of being loved. Said person made me realize that I am not the one to blame for most of my relationships that fell apart. He helped me realize that I am a strong person and do not need another person to complete me. I of course already knew that but I realized it more clearly. I realized that I am strong enough to stand up to abusive behaviors and that my therapy has been helping in some way or another. This person made me realize that I should pay a little more attention to how I treat people as well. Made me face my daughter’s death a bit more openly but also made me realize that some people just don’t give a fuck and think they are so special and that no one understands them and their situation. Made me remember that some people think the world revolves around them and that they should have special treatment and shit handing to them on a silver platter. Made me remember my upbringing about being selfless and selfish and how selfish some people really are in this world. How arrogant some people truly are. Made me remember to take a good look at the world around me as my job makes me do and realize that it’s not just my job environment that is bad but the world in general… more so Matthew 10:36 is pretty fitting.
Person two… This person made me remember to trust no one. Reminded me to look closely at what people say to me because there are so many lies, lies by omission and cheating people out there in the world. Probably should have learned this before due to the fact that almost every person that’s ever been in my life has lied to me, cheated on me or left me alone in time of need. Every single time that I truly needed or wanted said person, they were not there for me yet promised to be, even specifically promised to be at certain places. I was shown how unimportant I am to some people. Made me take a good look at everyone in my life, friends, family, and coworkers everyone… and see who I am truly important to and who I am not important to. I discovered a lot of things. Cut a shit load of people out of my life. I realized what I deserve in a relationship and what I do not. I also realized a lot more clearly that being abused is not my fault. I learned a lot about change and the way people change and that it is possible but most refuse change. I learned that people don’t care what you really have to say most of the time and that they aren’t going to listen to your advice when they ask for it so why bother obliging and giving advice to people that do not care. I learned that just because someone thinks and behaves a certain way doesn’t mean I need to change myself and my appearance just to try and make myself appear how they believe I should. I realized not to ever put myself through such pain to appear to be perfect and make others happy. I realized what makes me happy and why certain things make me unhappy. It made me realize that I wasn’t being selfish with certain acts and requests in the past when I was told I was by others. A lot came to light about myself and this person. Sadly I see the path they are going down and unless they deviate from the path… they will not end up in a pleasant location.
Person three…. This person has helped me a lot in the past, more so in the past 6 months no matter how much I have protested. They have showed me that even though things change and appear to change for the worst that, that is not always true. Kind of like not judging a book by its cover. I judged wrongly at first with this situation, I didn’t like it and I wasn’t afraid to say to. I protested and resisted everything that came my way with this person after said changes took place. I eventually tried to start seeing it for what it was. I learned that changes aren’t always as bad as they appear. I realized that there truly are people out there that can love me and accept me. People that will never leave my side. I’ve learned not to over analyze everything and look at what will come from this action so far into the future and to just enjoy the moment. I realized I don’t have to be perfect or change for anyone in order to be loved because I am already good enough as I am. I don’t have much to learn about being a well rounded individual that can function and carry myself in relations. I do have some to learn about love and the things that have been taught wrongly to me but I am well enough to love and be loved. I’m learning to willingly go on this adventure and see where it takes me. I have a strong feeling that even through the turmoil that will undoubtedly come during this adventure; this will be the best adventure of my life. I’ve been wrong before but there has always been a little bit of doubt. I have no doubt with this. I can just feel it… I can almost see it with complete certainty that this is the path I am supposed to take. I have prayed to god about it and asked for guidance. I have asked others around me where possible and they agree as well. It may be weird to others but their opinions are not needed. I know this person is more than willing to go down this path on this adventure and have been gnawing on the bit to get going on this adventure… I’ve postponed and pushed it away but I am ready now. I am going to start taking baby steps in this direction and see where it takes me… hopefully I’ll make it to a full run this time. I’ve always wanted to run on an adventure and this will be a great one to do so with… a great partner in crime too ;)
Person four…. This person is amazing. I have known him since I was about 10. Our relationship wasn’t so clear or that solid back then because he’s about 15 years older than me so the age gap caused issues. I still looked up to him, probably a little bit in secrecy because he wasn’t a prominent part of my life but he was around. I saw him advance in his career which later became what I choose to do with my life as well. He saw me grow through the toughest years of a boy’s life. He tried to gently guide me when he got the chance. When I came to work for his organization he took me under his wing when no one else would dare even associate with someone like me, a reckless rookie. Others in this organization knew me even better than he did and wouldn’t take me under their wing and guide me. He took a chance on me and helped me rise through the ranks. We’ve become best friends and have a father and son relationship as well. He knew my potential and he knew how stubborn I am but the potential is what came out the most to him. Hes saw my worst and my best. He’s seen what I am going through currently. He knows me inside of work and outside of work. He has given me many words or wisdom probably even on things he shouldn’t given our job relationship. We have had tough times at work. Both of us have been injured at work a dozen times. I thought he was dead at one point. I thought he left me alone to be killed at one point but I was badly mistaken and later took that out on him in a very bad manner… very fked up time in my life and his. I left him… when I should have never left, should have always stood by his side and supported him and let him support me. I lost a lot when that happened and I will never get those things back. I can never be sorry enough for that time period. I am thankful he is in my life and will never leave me. He has proven that. It is defiantly something I do not deserve. He helps me with my work, makes me better. Pushes me so hard to be a better worker and I hate him at times for it but I know its needed. He does the same thing in my personal life; he is always there to listen to me. Probably the most patient listener I have ever seen. He would wait all day and night if you needed him to. He offers his advice and doesn't shove it in my face when I don’t listen and fuck up because of it. He is always trying to make me a better person all around and make sure I have a happy life and the things I need. He knows the darkest parts of my mind that even I try to avoid myself. I love this man and I’m certain he loves me as well. Not in an intimate way but in a very close friendship/family type of way. I am glad to be able to protect him and he protect me at work. I am thankful for him in my life. His wife is a wonderful woman as well. She welcomes me into their home with open arms and nice home cooked food when the occasion is appropriate. I couldn't ask for better people in my life. It hurts me to know how close I came at one point to completely destroying that bridge. I am glad that it was repairable and did not burn completely. I know it will never be the same that has been proven over the time that has passed since a certain incident happened but I think maybe it will be stronger. I can’t even describe the way this man has been there for me and the bond we have. Maybe it’s not describable in such a method of writing. I would have to write down our whole history together to make it understood in such a way to fully grasp the feelings of it all.
I want to thank these people, good and bad. Each has taught me a lot. All of the teachings have been valuable, a lot of pain and a lot of happiness as well but well worth it. There is a lot more I could write about but I can’t tonight, it would take too much time. Just with these four people it’s rather long. It has made me feel lighter tonight writing it out. It’s made me feel better about a lot of today’s events as well. I am thankful for blogging. Its rather healing. :)
Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.