Person one… Helped me realize that I am capable of being
loved. Said person made me realize that I am not the one to blame for most of
my relationships that fell apart. He helped me realize that I am a strong
person and do not need another person to complete me. I of course already knew
that but I realized it more clearly. I realized that I am strong enough to
stand up to abusive behaviors and that my therapy has been helping in some way
or another. This person made me realize that I should pay a little more
attention to how I treat people as well. Made me face my daughter’s death a bit
more openly but also made me realize that some people just don’t give a fuck
and think they are so special and that no one understands them and their
situation. Made me remember that some people think the world revolves around
them and that they should have special treatment and shit handing to them on a
silver platter. Made me remember my upbringing about being selfless and selfish
and how selfish some people really are in this world. How arrogant some people
truly are. Made me remember to take a good look at the world around me as my
job makes me do and realize that it’s not just my job environment that is bad
but the world in general… more so Matthew 10:36 is pretty fitting.
Person two… This person made me remember to trust no one.
Reminded me to look closely at what people say to me because there are so many
lies, lies by omission and cheating people out there in the world. Probably
should have learned this before due to the fact that almost every person that’s
ever been in my life has lied to me, cheated on me or left me alone in time of
need. Every single time that I truly needed or wanted said person, they were
not there for me yet promised to be, even specifically promised to be at
certain places. I was shown how unimportant I am to some people. Made me take a
good look at everyone in my life, friends, family, and coworkers everyone… and
see who I am truly important to and who I am not important to. I discovered a
lot of things. Cut a shit load of people
out of my life. I realized what I deserve in a relationship and what I do not.
I also realized a lot more clearly that being abused is not my fault. I learned
a lot about change and the way people change and that it is possible but most
refuse change. I learned that people don’t care what you really have to say
most of the time and that they aren’t going to listen to your advice when they
ask for it so why bother obliging and giving advice to people that do not care.
I learned that just because someone thinks and behaves a certain way doesn’t
mean I need to change myself and my appearance just to try and make myself
appear how they believe I should. I realized not to ever put myself through
such pain to appear to be perfect and make others happy. I realized what makes
me happy and why certain things make me unhappy. It made me realize that I wasn’t
being selfish with certain acts and requests in the past when I was told I was
by others. A lot came to light about myself and this person. Sadly I see the
path they are going down and unless they deviate from the path… they will not
end up in a pleasant location.
Person three…. This person has helped me a lot in the past,
more so in the past 6 months no matter how much I have protested. They have
showed me that even though things change and appear to change for the worst
that, that is not always true. Kind of like not judging a book by its cover. I
judged wrongly at first with this situation, I didn’t like it and I wasn’t afraid
to say to. I protested and resisted everything that came my way with this
person after said changes took place. I eventually tried to start seeing it for
what it was. I learned that changes aren’t always as bad as they appear. I
realized that there truly are people out there that can love me and accept me.
People that will never leave my side. I’ve learned not to over analyze
everything and look at what will come from this action so far into the future
and to just enjoy the moment. I realized I don’t have to be perfect or change
for anyone in order to be loved because I am already good enough as I am. I don’t
have much to learn about being a well rounded individual that can function and
carry myself in relations. I do have some to learn about love and the things
that have been taught wrongly to me but I am well enough to love and be loved.
I’m learning to willingly go on this adventure and see where it takes me. I
have a strong feeling that even through the turmoil that will undoubtedly come
during this adventure; this will be the best adventure of my life. I’ve been
wrong before but there has always been a little bit of doubt. I have no doubt
with this. I can just feel it… I can almost see it with complete certainty that
this is the path I am supposed to take. I have prayed to god about it and asked
for guidance. I have asked others around me where possible and they agree as
well. It may be weird to others but their opinions are not needed. I know this
person is more than willing to go down this path on this adventure and have
been gnawing on the bit to get going on this adventure… I’ve postponed and
pushed it away but I am ready now. I am going to start taking baby steps in
this direction and see where it takes me… hopefully I’ll make it to a full run
this time. I’ve always wanted to run on an adventure and this will be a great
one to do so with… a great partner in crime too ;)
Person four…. This person is amazing. I have known him since
I was about 10. Our relationship wasn’t so clear or that solid back then
because he’s about 15 years older than me so the age gap caused issues. I still
looked up to him, probably a little bit in secrecy because he wasn’t a prominent part of my life but he was around. I saw him advance in his career which later
became what I choose to do with my life as well. He saw me grow through the
toughest years of a boy’s life. He tried to gently guide me when he got the
chance. When I came to work for his organization he took me under his wing when
no one else would dare even associate with someone like me, a reckless rookie.
Others in this organization knew me even better than he did and wouldn’t take
me under their wing and guide me. He took a chance on me and helped me rise
through the ranks. We’ve become best friends and have a father and son
relationship as well. He knew my potential
and he knew how stubborn I am but the potential is what came out the most to
him. Hes saw my worst and my best. He’s seen what I am going through currently.
He knows me inside of work and outside of work. He has given me many words or
wisdom probably even on things he shouldn’t given our job relationship. We have
had tough times at work. Both of us have been injured at work a dozen times. I
thought he was dead at one point. I thought he left me alone to be killed at
one point but I was badly mistaken and later took that out on him in a very bad
manner… very fked up time in my life and his. I left him… when I should have
never left, should have always stood by his side and supported him and let him
support me. I lost a lot when that happened and I will never get those things
back. I can never be sorry enough for that time period. I am thankful he is in
my life and will never leave me. He has proven that. It is defiantly something
I do not deserve. He helps me with my work, makes me better. Pushes me so hard
to be a better worker and I hate him at times for it but I know its needed. He
does the same thing in my personal life; he is always there to listen to me.
Probably the most patient listener I have ever seen. He would wait all day and
night if you needed him to. He offers his advice and doesn't shove it in my
face when I don’t listen and fuck up because of it. He is always trying to make
me a better person all around and make sure I have a happy life and the things
I need. He knows the darkest parts of my mind that even I try to avoid myself.
I love this man and I’m certain he loves me as well. Not in an intimate way but
in a very close friendship/family type of way. I am glad to be able to protect
him and he protect me at work. I am thankful for him in my life. His wife is a
wonderful woman as well. She welcomes me into their home with open arms and
nice home cooked food when the occasion is appropriate. I couldn't ask for
better people in my life. It hurts me to know how close I came at one point to
completely destroying that bridge. I am glad that it was repairable and did not
burn completely. I know it will never be the same that has been proven over the
time that has passed since a certain incident happened but I think maybe it
will be stronger. I can’t even describe the way this man has been there for me
and the bond we have. Maybe it’s not describable in such a method of writing. I
would have to write down our whole history together to make it understood in
such a way to fully grasp the feelings of it all.
I want to thank these people, good and bad. Each has taught
me a lot. All of the teachings have been valuable, a lot of pain and a lot of
happiness as well but well worth it. There is a lot more I could write about
but I can’t tonight, it would take too much time. Just with these four people it’s
rather long. It has made me feel lighter tonight writing it out. It’s made me
feel better about a lot of today’s events as well. I am thankful for blogging.
Its rather healing. :)
Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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