Sunday, October 5, 2014

Update Since the Birth of My Babies...

Happy Fall, y'all! Haha Still trying to finish up our summertime! So much has happened in the past few months. My twins are now 5 months old. They have been growing so much. It’s crazy how big they are and how much they are doing. Eating “solids” and crawling around like crazy. I’m thankful we got them on a schedule early on… I think I wouldn't have any hair if we hadn't. R.A.F got strep about a month or 2 ago and it was very stressful… Thankful J.A.F didn't get it, although he did have a cold of sorts. I want to share more here but honestly, anyone that should be in my children's lives, know what is going on and how much they have grown. Or anyone that wants to know, knows how to ask about them. Simple as that. Learning to keep more, private than I used to be.

I have had to change therapists… the one I was seeing was just making everything worse. My urologist suggested the change. Thankful he did. It’s helping more than the last one… Although I’m not sure I like the changes. Time will tell. I know it hasn't helped some things but not everything can be helped at once I guess.

I got hurt really bad a couple weeks ago at work. One week I got shot at and it grazed my hand… pretty sure there’s going to be a huge scar there. I seem to be collecting those -.-… at least I’m starting to learn to accept those. Maybe… I still need help. v.v Then about a week later or less… I was on a stop and my patrol car was hit by a drunk, which proceeded to get out of his car and try to fight me. I honestly didn't want to fight. Wanted to die. Had been a really rough week or 2 and I was having a lot of old feelings coming back. I thought of my babies though and fight my way through. I ended up with 3 broken ribs, a really bad concussion and a broken wrist. A few days later after serve pain, worse I've ever felt with broken ribs… I went to the hospital. I found out the ribs were pushing on my lung, and I needed surgery. That was done the next morning. I was upset that some people didn't come see me while I was there nor after but it wasn't surprising. Not much is anymore. I’m off work for at least another 3 weeks. I want to go back but I really don’t. I’m weighing a lot of options right now. About going back, not going back, switching depts., switching depts. within the dept. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Been thinking about going and finishing my degree and doing what I originally planned but I’m not sure if I can handle that profession right now either. I guess I’ll decide sometime in the next few weeks. Really wish someone would give me the time of day to discuss these things but since she doesn't have the time, I have to turn elsewhere and try to find that advice… been trying to wait but don’t think I can anymore.

I’ve seen a lot falling apart lately. With people around me. Friendships, relationships, etc. Some don’t even know. I’m really happy for a couple people with this though, they found some things better than what they had. Or at least better treatment. I’m happy for the growth I've found out that some people have gone through. It saddens me that something’s have ended up the way they have, but again brighter things have come of it with those relationships. Which brings me to another point. Someone walked out of my life just because of something’s that a stranger told this person. Honestly, I’m kind of happy said person left. I didn't think I could be, but I’m better without the disappointments, sadness and lies and broken promises that were given to me. Not the fear of being betrayed, well… that fear is there still but not as much as it was with that person’s behavior. They want to say I betrayed them and a million other things but in reality I didn't do that, I didn't know, not in the sense that was/is believed. Really though it’s their loss, always was. Want to say I was a waste of time, honestly, look back, and see what you did… was a loss for me… just as much as it was for you if not more in my opinion. I lost a lot in my life because of you. I didn't try to cause you to lose anything and neither did anyone else you've known for years. But you decided to trust someone that you barely knew. Proves you never trusted me in the first place or anyone else concerned. And the things you said about me, as a person, show you never loved me, you wouldn't say and accuse me of the things you did if you truly loved me. I turned to the people I turned to because 1) you said I could, 2) you wouldn't give me what I needed, 3) they were there, you weren't…4)at least I never really betrayed you, and what I did do, I admitted immediately and beat myself up more than you cared. But as much as you accused me of things and the outcome that I was given, maybe I should have done something’s differently. I wouldn't have wasted my time as much and I wouldn't have been so depressed and hurt for months. But I guess it takes repeating the same mistake a few times before learning something fully. I did learn some things. I really learned a lot from this situation with this person, and the other situations around me lately… I've been reminded of what true love is. I've been reminded not to trust anyone. I've been reminded of what really matters in life. I've been reminded to step in and do good instead of sitting back and letting someone else do it and fk it up. I've been reminded to do things myself if I want them done right. I've been reminded to mind my own business. I've been reminded to leave a situation that is bad, not just because I’m not happy but because it is unhealthy. I've remembered a lot. I take it as a blessing, instead of what I originally saw it as. I’m seeing a lot of blessings lately… I've been trying to see the positive. It’s hard, I've had a lot of old feelings but I’m learning to get past them. I haven’t drank since March. I haven’t hurt myself since April. I haven’t bothered BMFB for anything that I was bothering him for, since May. I've broken down a lot but I haven’t as much as I was before… it’s been about 2 weeks since the last time.

I want to say I am really proud of CrazyEyes. He has changed a lot in the past few years. I've seen a lot of changes in the past few months as well. Hes making so many people proud of him. Hes making someone in my life very happy. He is an awesome father. He is helping a lot of people out. He is an amazing man. I know he will continue to grow into an awesome man and role model and settle into himself more and more as time goes on. It sucks the situations that have gone on, but through the rain and clouds, the sun will shine through soon. Keep up the great work.

I don’t really know what else to talk about right now, I had some things but they aren’t coming out right now. It’s bothering me to try to write them. I will get back to that when I can handle it. Hopefully soon, with the new help I have around me. I want to thank my support system that has been around me lately. I couldn't do anything and make it as far as I have, without them and their support. I wouldn't have stayed sober and maybe not here, if I didn’t have these people. 

 Creative Commons LicenseBrutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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