Sunday, November 4, 2012

Three Paths, an Elf and a Gnome

Halfass did this before but in a totally different way. So this may look familiar or seem like I'm talking about something that I am not. View it the way you want I don't care, just don't bitch at me when you have no clue what I'm talking about. Questions welcome but I reserve the right to not answer them. This is part of an assignment I was given by my therapist as well as part of my own idea. So we will see what becomes of it.

Before me there are three paths. Surrounded by large oak trees. All of the paths look beautiful. The one on the left looks very attractive yet seems rough. It seems familiar but only because I have traveled this path for a ways before turning back at the roadblock  That roadblock is now removed. The one in the middle seems scary, very dark but do-able. The path on the right seems an unusual path, yet traveled well by myself and others. It is a decent path, yet a difficult one from my experience. It is a path I know rather too well which adds to my despair and confusion. All of the paths frighten me.

I have no idea what would happen if I take the path in the middle. It could be a very long and brutal path. It may be short and sweet. It could land me anywhere. Could breath life and joy into me or it could kill me, metaphorically or literally, body and soul. My family and friends would be happy if I took this path and even more happy if I survived. I am a survivor though and have the tools to survive so I could almost certainly do it. I am afraid to test myself and these tools. I'm not ready to try. Certainly not when there are other appealing paths before me. For now the thought of taking this path makes me cower like a scared little boy. It is unfathomable to take this path right now. I don't know what creatures I would meet on this path. I don't know their history nor what speed they would travel. Nothing appeals to me about this path.

The path on the right... the path I feel I thoroughly know 80% of. I have studied this path before. It has seduced me and avoided me all at once. It doesn't appeal to me physically as a path I would enjoy being seen on yet it is pretty. It is poorly maintained most times. It has a history I know all too well. This path haunts me in ways I want this path but I know I may come out more scarred and damaged than I am now. I may also do damage to this path as well by trying to avoid the damage to myself. Neither of which I want. I know this path comes with some premade family at the end of it that would be mine. I also know if I fail on this path that, that would be ripped from me and I don't think I can do that. I know that there are people that would disapprove of me traveling this path unless it was renovated. If it was renovated it would be beautiful all around. Though I'm not sure if this path has many activities along the way that would mesh with my purpose of traveling to the other side. There are voices that call out from above that warn me that this path is wrong. These voices beg me not to take this path. They tell me how difficult it will be and how sad I could be. They warn me of what will become of this path if it remains unchanged. They warn me that as with my work I try too hard to fix something that I can not repair. Despite all of this I want to dare to take this path. Something inside me says it will be ok, that it is worth it. That even though it may not be well maintained or look as good as it could, it may still be ok because it's not about that and can easily be fixed. That I can help develope the things I need along the path while going to the other side. That I may fail but it wouldn't be a first. Already failed this path before so what's another try? I do know that somewhere on this path there is comfort. There is also a smart sometimes sweet elf that lives on this path somewhere that could help along the way, its just a matter of finding said elf. The elf also wants some of the similar things as I and has similar purposes as I on this path but the elf can be very immature at times and not quite as ready to progress along the path. Who knows where the elf is, I think its hiding. I have seen it a few times. I think is content on traveling alone on the path most of the time. I don't think the elf would travel at a speed I'm comfortable with. It would want to go slower. Last time I saw the elf we traveled together, slightly too fast. We ran into parts of the trail that damaged us. It was our own stupidity for traveling at the speed we were and speaking to the evil ugly little birds that inhabit the area. Very uncertain of this elf. I know if I fail on this path and make it back out alive, the path on the left would most likely still be accessible.  Yet all of this makes this path scary. Makes me very unsure. I'm not sure I have the confidence to travel this path. Not by my own devices anyway. I need reassurance and a push and maybe a tad of maintenance to begin on the path first.

The path on the left... I want to say I know this path 100% but I can not say that. There are trailheads on this path that lead to many areas not yet explored. There is also the roadblock that was removed, which leads to another area yet unexplored. I could still play on the areas of this path that I know but temptation would eventually get the best of me if I don't restore this road block. If I traveled to the new areas of this path who knows what could happen. The parts of the path I do know, are beautiful. They make me happy, and I feel at peace most times. There are things along the part of the path that I know, that irritate the fk out of me and make me want to run far away from the path as possible at times. The parts of the path I don't know are shady, dark. Seems very rough yet appealing. I know that there are some people that support the travel of the new area's. Yet there are people that I don't know how they feel. I can only guess at the destruction that could come from that choice. The path on the right would not be accessible if I failed this path and returned to choose again. I would be stuck with the path in the middle which scares the shit out of me. I know for a fact that if I took this path succeed, there would be growth in my family life and personal life. Yet at what cost? This path could cost me alot. A price I'm not sure I'm willing to pay. Hell I don't know what the price would even be. If I knew that then I could say if I was willing to pay or not. This path is well maintained 90% of the time. I have a feeling it could get rough though which scares me. It could morph into a mixture of the middle and right path. Something I'm not ready to face. The voices that have spoke to me about the other path have not had an input on this path yet. I hope if they have something to say, they say it soon. There happens to be a smart, sweet, fun, comforting gnome that lives on this path. I see the gnome right now. Said Gnome is at the trailhead of this path jumping up and down, luring me into the path with its charm and enthusiasm.  Gnome also say's waiting is worth the time yet if I so choose, the gnome would take my hand and skip happily down the path. Seems ideal right? Wrong... I fear this gnome wants to travel faster than I am able. Traveling too fast on any path is dangerous. Could fall and fail. Could harm others on the path. Could damage myself and the trail and the gnome. To take this path I would need to lead the Gnome, which seems a little unlikely to be agreed upon. I would need coaxing at the same time. I would need a lot of privacy. And a lot more courage than I have right now.

The middle path is off limits in my mind. That leaves the right and left path's. The elf and the gnome. Both paths I have experience in one way or another. The path on the left would always be a "what if" scenario if I choose the other.  The path on the right might be a "what if" as well but not as much considering I traveled it before. I missed a lot of the scenery though because of the speed and distractions. I know both the elf and the gnome and the past that exists with them. I know what scares me with both and the paths they reside in. I know both have a price in which I do not exactly know all of the hidden fees that they come with. I believe I know which would make me happy but I've been wrong before. Throw in the hidden fees and I could be very wrong. I know the gnome has always been good to me when I was on its path. It has taught me things, and I have done the same for the gnome. The gnome has always gone my speed but now is eager to go faster and show me the rest of the path. That scares me. Despite all of the comfort the Gnome has given me before. The elf has always been kind of shy which inturn makes me shy. It makes the path the elf lives on, more dangerous because both of us are too scared to proceed on the path so we fail. The elf and I have grown together in ways and have taught each other things. The elf has always offered comfort, failing at it at times and other times succeeding. I fear I can't help the elf as much as I need to. The elf does make me happy. Yet I feel bipolar around the elf sometimes. I know its because the elf can morph into a troll at times. I don't mesh with the troll species so well most times so I don't know how I feel about the troll. Its all confusing and scary. Both come with things I will lose and things I will gain. I just can't grasp the magnitude of it all yet. So for now I think I will just sit against this oak tree a distance away from the paths and see which path pulls me forward. Or which path makes the changes and offers the most comfort. Whether the elf or the gnome comes and assists me at the right speed down their path. Steady speed, where I can take in all of the scenery and beauty. Which offers to help with the costs of the hidden fees and the pain of those fees.

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Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.


  1. It looks as tho you have a serious decision to make. Either way, I hope whichever decision you come upon gives you the happiness that you want and deserve. But for now, enjoy the scenery around you, until you can decide which path you wish to take.

  2. Which path do you think about the most?

  3. idk by my therapist seems to think the gnome path is healthier but still has his doubts on both. idk still....