Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Things to get off of my Chest...
This probably won't be one of my more happier posts... I know not much happy has been going on in this blog lately but it is a "reawakening" blog and I'm in the process of getting happier sooo deal and enjoy the progression and what not or just don't read my blog... its pretty simple. Some of this will be directed at certain people... some will just be an in general feelings maybe...
Anyways this may be cryptic to some people, others it may not. I don't know and frankly I don't care considering its my blog and my place to get my thoughts out and get things off my chest. If that bothers you, then again, don't read it. I don't need emails or texts or calls or anything else with people bitching at me about my blog. I clearly don't need the added stress lately. Pretty close to telling everyone except about 10 people in my life to go fk off. So there you go. You either support me or you don't and if you don't I don't fking need to hear about it and I don't care. Now that I've made that clear, don't get butt hurt when I go off on you for bitching at me about what I write.
Now we can get down to business in this post.
We have been through plenty of ups and downs, being each other’s sibling and all. I remember the days where we would fight over my favorite owl book and you would always be the one to tell on me. We were so young and naive back then. We thought the world was an easy place to get by. You are extremely intelligent and aware of reality for your age; I think you learned that by watching me and the things I went through growing up. You and I are very similar. We are both very strong-willed and stubborn. We both make our opinions very known. We hide our true feelings and act like a completely different person when we are hurt. In the past few weeks since Alan showed up in your life and changed our lives forever in one way or another, you have become a different person. You respond to things in a different manner and you do not joke around as often—if even at all. I can't understand what is going on. You want me to, but I can't. I want you to know that when I snap at you and become frustrated, it is not because you really did anything. It is because I do not know what to do or how to help you or myself...us. It hurts me to watch you act like you have the past couple of weeks, especially this week. I only want to help you and fix this some how because I love you more than you will probably ever know. Please work with me and help me help you, help us figure this out. I need time to process the whole Alan thing and everything surrounding that, before I can process the other thing. You also need to realize the changes that would occur which ever direction things go. The possible hurts. Everything. I truly think you need to process things a bit more and think them out. Go through scenarios and what not. I don't think you are seeing what I see. I would tell you what I see but right now I can't... its too difficult :( Either way I do love you.
Maria... I have 4 words for you... Fuck off and die.... yeah I think that about covers it all for you from a few people. That may not be very religious of me and what not but you're basically the devil incarnate and need to be destroyed -.- Sadly I won't be the one doing it... I'm at least better than that.
I am content with always wondering. When you wonder, you can always make the outcome good. The same rules do not apply in reality. Wondering will not work with this. It can for a while but after that while is up, it will only be considered running or ignoring my problem's so I need to stop wondering and put some things into action one way or another.
You are the one person who understands me, as cliché as that sounds. If I am frustrated or angry at someone I come to you and vent. If a boy/girl does wrong by me I come to you and cry. If I have family issues I come to you and ask, “Why?” Through the MANY years of our friendship we have been through plenty of ups and downs, especially these past few years. I will always remember when I was in 1st grade (you in 2nd or something) and everyone was whispering about the new boy (you). You were in a different class than I, but we shared the same recess. My other old friend told me about her meeting you, promising I would not like you. And, at first, I did not. I remember the four-square incident and how I hated you but somehow the next day we were friends. I know you have a rough life and have had a rougher past, but that’s blossomed you into the wonderfully beautiful person you are today. You do not deserve anything less than the extraordinary life you already have and more. You are strong and you make me even stronger. Ever since that day after the four square incident, I know I can always count on you and you can always count on me. We have been through so much, more than anyone else in this world realizes, but that is what bestfriends do. That is who we are. I could not choose anyone better to share so many years of life with other than you. We both make mistakes and will continue to do so. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being the bestest best friend I could ever imagine having.
hmmm dreams... I just wanted to say that I seriously dislike you. Like any other ordinary human being, you will never allow me dream about what I please. You give me nightmares that keep me up until my eyelids close themselves. Even then you do not give me peace. You let me dream of an amazing moment and then take it away before I can savor it. You remind me of my past and the people who have hurt me the most. You make me feel like the people who surround me every day are not who they seem. I do not like you and I would rather see a sheet of darkness every night for the rest of my life. Why can you not give me what I want sometimes?
I don't know why but I really want to go back to Africa. I said not too long ago that I would never go back there. The things I saw there were too horrible. Too much pain I experience there. Lost some good men there. Lost a piece of my soul there. Maybe its the fact I'm depressed and could half ass care less what happens to me at this moment but Africa sounds like it would be better than where I am right now. Crazy. Maybe I could go to one of the nicer less war and death ridden areas... like the south? The south is nice right? Maybe the east? IDK... I know west isn't that great considering what happened when i was there... Hell maybe it would be good for some of my healing/reawakening process. IDFK. Just a thought.
Blessed = one word to describe our friendship. Because we are blessed to always have each other. Always cherish your best friend.
August of my senior year, my world was crushed. I tried my hardest to attend your service—Mike even said he would pay for my ticket—but that bitch of a step mom refused to let me go due to the fact that school had started. I do not solely blame myself for what you did, but I wish I would have been there to prove to you that not everyone in this world sucks. You are one of the few people I was closest to and always will be. I know you are somewhere up there feeling like you abandoned your baby, but Alaina will always love you and as will I. Miss you, more so right now than usual.
I’ve always been the “spoiled-brat,” right? It’s always been me. I cry just to get your attention and it did not have anything to do with actually being hurt. It was all a show. At least, that is what you think. I would wish you good luck in life, but I’m tired of trying.
I easily get tired of people. I do not have time for bullshit or people's bullshit. I am too old to be playing daddy to your problems. I am done playing games. I am an independent man who, from time to time, can distance myself between people. It is called a reflex. Get over it.
You notice the anger in my eyes but will never know why it is there. I wish You would stop staring, instead just smile. Maybe if You smiled and someone else caught it, they could do the same. Etc, etc, etc. Do You understand why this world is a harsh place? Because people like You frown and do not approve and smirk. Why can You not just enjoy life and treat others with kindness? You are the very reason, You and all the those hateful people, that I am the way I am. I have no time for negativity in my life anymore, for I have come to the realization that I will be happier this way. Maybe You should do the same. There are trillions of people throughout this world. How do You expect to connect with any of them when all You do is judge? Please remove the object that is obviously shoved far up your ass! Thanks.
Been stressed a lot lately. Dealing with my own physical pain from fibromyalgia and other random things has not helped. Or maybe its the stress that hasn't helped. I haven't felt like eating either. Haven't wanted to do anything but I keep fighting. Been helping my mom a lot too with her ms and tn flare up. I guess her condition is worse than mine but its really difficult dealing with mine and hers. I love her and shes my mom and all but there are plenty of other people in life that could be helping her. Someone needs to step up. I can't do it much longer right now. I have done about as much as I can the past couple of days. No one seems to see my pain. Granted I try to hide it but its pretty obvious still especially with this whole massive stress and slight depression thing going on. I will continue to help my mother but some people out there need to realize it's their responsibility as well -.-
I still feel really shitty about my therapy. Still kind of stuck. Some things have been helped a little but they are new things so I don't know. Covered a lot on Monday. It helped my stress level but at the same time it didn't. I know I have tasks I need to get done but it's so difficult. I also feel rather down because a person or two that I asked to come with me for one of the tasks, seems like they don't want to come. Seems they rather put their own fears and needs in front of mine when it comes to this. They are supposed to be there to help me. They have expressed their want to help. Yet when it comes to this, they want an out. Makes me feel kinda shitty and not worthy. Just one more task I wont complete, I guess.
We have been through so much together, even if we have only known each other for about a year. I can always count on you, for you have been there for me at any time, no matter what. I apologize for not being able to say the same thing of myself. You caught my eye and for the first time in a while, I forgot about everything. I knew you were my answer. And after multiple hook-ups, on-and-off “dating”, you said the three words that changed everything. Those three words scare the living shit out of me and you are aware of that. Since I had just recently went through a bad break-up, I did not want anyone to say those three words to my face ever again. As disgusting as it sounds, I did not want you to love me; I wanted you to distract me. But, I said them back and still do not know what I had been thinking. I had most definitely meant it in a best friend type of love. I know no guy ever wants to hear that, nor do they want to be placed in the friend zone. I had no idea what you were to me, but you were sure as hell not just my friend. I was terrible to you in some ways, I know. I was kind of using you as a filler and I am really ashamed and sorry for that. You are an amazing guy—no matter how unoriginal that sounds—and there is nothing wrong with you, I am just a messed up person. In fact, I wish I loved you. I wish I could call you mine because I know you would never do wrong by me. But it is not like that for me and I cannot make change the past. Fuzzy, I am sorry. I am. I love you but I am not in love with you. You mean a lot to me in more ways than you probably know. If things were different I would be writing something different right now but they are not different and was just very bad timing that can not be fixed.
Agape-Knight... you are a scumbag really, but I will help you with what you asked of me. The only reason I am helping you is because I need to do something with my time. I need to get back into the things I love. You are one of the major links with openings to the things I used to love. Frankly I kind of hate you for what you did to Vladimir. I will never forget that and not sure I can forgive it. I know you have tried to make amends but things will never ever be the same. You are VERY VERY lucky anyone wants you near them and lucky you aren't in jail frankly. I guess for some reason somehow, the love we used to have for you surpasses what you did. Never will if you pull something like that again. You really do need to make things up a lot better than you have already. I can't say we are friends right now but I can't say we are not... I will see you Friday though -.-
This blog didn't turn out how I wanted but it covered a lot of things, things I didn't know I even needed to cover but obviously needed to or it wouldn't have came out. Cried about 10 times trying to write it -.- so emotional lately for no reason. I think writing this has helped a little. Definitely got a lot off my mind I guess so maybe that will help my stress and depression levels. Thanks for reading.
Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.