First off this will be a "long" post (maybe)... Sorry. If you don't have time then don't bother... come back when you do. Will also be kind of an angry post... if that bothers you, feel free to once again leave. Don't like cussing? Leave. Offended easily? Leave. Don't like law enforcement? Then why the fuck are you on my blog anyway? cause you clearly don't like me then.. Might as well leave also. Don't like blood and gore? Might leave too cause I can't promise that won't be in here -.-
A little background on things for now. My boss is an idiot. A two-faced idiot. He puts me down for the same things that if someone with the same rank as me did, he would praise them. I do something wrong, so I try to opposite of my actions. Still wrong. I follow protocol? Still wrong. Don't follow protocol? Also wrong. Do what he says? Wrong too! Save someones life any way I possibly can by whatever means necessary it's wrong. Fail to save someone, its wrong also. Do basically anything other than get him coffee or food or escorting his cop killer son's body to the grave? It's wrong! Its even more wrong when the main two team leaders of my department are gone on vaccy and I'm stuck in charge. Nothing is good enough for this man when it involves me. I have my theories as to why but it shouldn't matter. It's ridiculous and not the kind of leader I want as a boss. More so in my line of work. I could continue but I won't That being said, today at work totally sucked. I dealt with distraught family members over their family member jumping to his death in the middle of traffic. Which was of course my fault somehow that he died considering I wasn't there to catch him as was expected of me somehow when I didn't get the call till after he was oh I don't know.... dead? I also got to chase a killer down on foot and be shot at myself, luckily he had bad aim yet had managed to kill his brother. After working on the brother myself to try to revive him before ems got there, I got to see one of my best friend's work on the man and watch as the blood kept coming up and hitting the CPR mask's one way apparatus that was used since the CPR ventilation bag was missing from the ambulance. I got see my friend fail at saving this man and the misery on her face when she couldn't do it. I got to face blame at the fact that instead of killing the man that shot at me I let him live and be taken to jail where he will rot for a few years. Apparently the family wanted that one dead and not the one that was dead. All my fault according the so and so. Got to get yelled at by my insensitive so called leader of a boss because I didn't shoot at the guy either, saving our dept media issues and myself admin leave. I got to work somewhere between 2-6 hours over time yet again, depending how you look at it. And that's not even half of it the past two days. Maybe a fourth. I won't bore you too much with any more details... I'll get to the point of what I was going to write. Halfass cryptic blogging of sorts. So here you go.
Listen to the bullet's in the night. Hear them fly by. I call them insects. It is the most common sound in my part of the Death Star. Another day passes. The hallways and streets smell like Death, it's always Death. The smell of brains, blood and drugs fill my mind. Humans are screaming horror trips. Flesh covered drug and pain dealers. Pain is what I was born with. I have no talent except the ability to take pain-lifetimes of pain. It's all Death to me. You can not take my eyes away from it. Hateful shit. It is all around. If you take half a second to look, you'll see it as I do every day. It's all you'll see. Death and violence.
You know, I honestly thought you would be there for me. All those times you talked about having a place to go for solace. That's the word you used. I never heard anyone else use that word before. I even had to look it up, it was such a foreign concept. I remember when I went to you. You stood in front of me but you weren't there. I could have reached out and touched you and you wouldn't have been there, it would have been only your flesh. Remember all of the times you would come to me crying telling me how bad it was for you and how no one wanted you and that you thought you were going crazy? I was there for you. I put everything I was doing on hold for you. Staying up for hours listening to you talk about yourself and your career. I came to you when I needed you and found the most shallow person I have ever met. The funny thing about it was that you didn't even notice. I was standing there bleeding at your feet and covered in blood and that's when you turned on the apathy full force. I couldn't believe how much you had turned to ice. It was as if you were a totally different person. I don't trust my feelings anymore they only seem to get me hurt. I don't want to get hurt again, not like that. I never felt so stupid and alone in all my life. Maybe I should be more like you. I shouldn't be so deep. I should live more on the surface and not let anything get to me. I'll become hard and shallow. Vacant and apathetic, just like you then I'll never feel this kind of pain again.
It's all ok though cause I'm the throwaway guy. I'm the guy you can use for a human doormat. It's no big deal, its just my job. I live to swallow your abusive moments. I drink them in and hold them tight. There should always be someone there for you to shit on- that's me. I'm your man. I was "working" for this woman not long ago for a little while. You know she needed someone to bleed. Everyone needs someone they can make bleed. I'm just glad I could be there for her three years of need. I'm a throwaway guy- just use me up and throw me away. People like me are a dime-a-dozen. We are the ones that you forget about just as soon as its over. You forget our names as they come out of our mouths. Somehow we make it back to the home base with smiles on our faces. You see, its all we really know. You can treat us like shit and we'll be the only ones who will send you Christmas cards every year. We remember your birthday. You can call us at anytime of the day or night and we'll be there endlessly. Your problem will be the only thing that concerns us. We have no lives, us throwaway guys. Our life is your life. We'll always tell you that we're glad that we are friends even after you've sucked our blood, humiliated us in front of everyone and told lies about all the things that we did for you, making it look like we were just pathetic fools who deserved to be used in the first place. Even then we'll still extend you every courtesy possible. One thing you don't know. Every minute you spend making asses out of us and we're smiling at you, we're hating your guts. You think that all the stupid shit that's on your tiny mind is really important? What a joke. I can barely keep from exploding in your face every time I see you do all that shit. We have the truth and all the time in the world on our side. We watch and laugh and have a good time. We couldn't give a flying fuck about you and your insipid bullshit. You think you are an object of power and you'll find a throwaway guy like me to back you up. We'll back you up and make you think that you're more than the living scum that you really are. You can't live with out us. If we weren't around to tell you how awesome you were and make a big deal about your every move, you would fall apart. You'd have nothing. Fact is that you need us more than we'll ever need you. May you eat yourself alive tonight. Dream deep baby, cause you are in so deep and the end is closer than you can see. I forgot to mention us throwaway guys stick together.
Really though, who do you think you are? You know you really have a big mouth. All these people I know think you suck. You know when you talk to them and you think you're telling them the real thing and they look at you like they're taking it all in? You know what happens as soon as you leave? They start talking shit about you and make fun of all the stupid stuff that you said. They can all do this great imitation of you. Its hilarious really. You know that girl you were talking to the other day? She thought you were such an asshole. You're so full of yourself. As we speak, she's telling her friends all the stupid shit you said and they're laughing their asses off. It's getting to the point where I think people are going to camp outside your house and wait for you to come out so they can laugh you off the street. It's too late for you to do anything about it You blew it. Hell, even I think you are an asshole. I used to think you were cool, but now I see you are just a jackass. I can't wait till you are banned from the scene and old history.
There you go, that's all I have for now. Take it as you wish. I'm taking the day off from work and anything else that requires will power outside of being there for my kids today. Tomorrow doesn't look much better since I have appointments most of the day and doubt I will find it important to come into work for 2 hours of my shift. Maybe I will show just to piss a person or two off. It never ceases to amaze me how easy of a task it is, trying or not. 5am. I must find some sleep now. Heres a fitting song though for y'all to listen to.
Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. + All rights to the artists and such of the song and all that good stuff....