Friday, November 30, 2012

Close to a Breaking Point

My stress level right now is pretty much beyond bearable. Been crying a lot the past couple of days.  A lot of my support system is also under too much stress to be dealing with mine as well, or they are dealing with some of the same things. The rest of my support system is out of state or country right now and I shouldn't be bothering them even if they say it is ok. The rest, just don't seem to care or don't have time for me right now. So I am trying to handle everything on my own for the most part. It is really difficult to stay positive when there is so much negativity around me at this point in time. I'm trying though. This post will be to get some things off my chest. This is my place to do that. It is my property and I will do as I wish with it. I wish to vent and get things off my chest. If you do not like that or are offended by what I say, then get off of my site. It is that easy. I have enough stress you do not need to add to it. If you have something positive to say or support to offer then that is acceptable. Otherwise, I don't care what you have to say right now about this posting. Anyone I talk about in this post is not named by name. I use nicknames and made up names all of which are posted in the "About this blog" tab at the top of this page, to get an idea of who they are. So please refer to that page to get an understanding of who I am talking about if you wish to know. Feel free to ask me directly as well but I reserve the right not to tell you if I so wish. I am also keeping some things in the post private, out of respect of others and the situation. So some details may be missing.

Tuesday at work was pretty uneventful. I went in for a half shift, at 11am. Sat in my office not doing much for most of the time I was there, thought things would go smooth and what not and I would go home and change. Then hang out with people I love. That didn't happen of course. Things went south rather quickly around 2pm. I can't go into too much detail here for obvious reasons but I will say that I went out to a call. One I wasn't supposed to go on in the first place but was dragged to basically. I saw more death than I cared to see. Another reason I refuse to work homicide like my boss wants me to do. I have seen more than my share of death in my young life. I do not need to see more. The position I have now, I will see some death that is obvious but homicide multiplies that amount and makes it a daily occurrence  Therefore I will not do it. Anyways, saw some things I didn't care to see. One of the most brutal scenes I have been to. Reminded me of things from war areas that I have been to. I couldn't finish my job on the scene, I had to leave and go back to HQ. Some people were not happy with me but most understood. My boss didn't. He never does and never will. Anyways, after almost upchucking my lunch among other things. Basically got chewed out by my boss and changed my clothes to a cleaner uniform. I headed back to my office. I didn't make it back before learning that a really good friend was suspended from work. Granted I do not completely agree with her actions that caused this, I also do not agree with the treatment she has received over the incident. She has never received the support she deserved and needed from the dept when her husband was killed. She has not been treated properly since then, so I do understand some of what she did. Does that make it right, no. Everyone is at fault here in my eyes. I can't watch the news because all I see is her named dragged through the mud more than necessary  I have seen things from the case I worked that afternoon as well. I am getting tired of the crap going on in my dept. I see coworkers that have done worse than my friend and they are not suspended or even disciplined when the incidents are brought to the attention of the admins. It is starting to really get on my nerves and I feel that there will be big changes or some form of chaos coming soon. I don't know if I am ready for that or if I support it or will survive it. I do know that changes need to be made. I am not ready for the uproar that it will cause though. I do feel it sneaking up on everyone though. Have had issues sleeping since Tuesday cause of the feelings all of this has caused me to feel and remember. No one to share it with and feel better about it. I did talk to my counselor some today about it all and do feel a tad better but not the person I wanted to share it with. To top it all off on Tuesday I ended my shift with cleaning out the back of my squad car. Apparently some hookers are working in the day light now. Said Hooker that I arrested, was drunk off her ass. She threw up in the back of my car and pissed in it. Fun times -.-

My friend that got suspended wouldn't come with me and BMFB to the activities we were doing that night that she was originally going to join us for. That was upsetting. It was all like having some wounds ripped open again, from my best friend/her husband being killed in 09. Military wounds ripped open again as well. I never thought those specific military ones would resurface but they did Tuesday. The wounds from my friend have barely had time to heal. They had been ripped open over and over again since 09 up until earlier this year when justice was finally severed for him.

Also during all of this on Tuesday I was planning to spend time with Superwoman. She was hanging out with Siberia and what not. Was some drama with Superwoman that upset me and added to my stress level. I'm not sure what happened with that still. I am just going to overlook it for now but it keeps nagging at my mind. I got a warm blanket out of the deal so at least that's good. It's kept me a bit too warm the past couple of nights lol. Love it.

Tuesday night I just wanted to relax. I planned on talking to Little Bunny FuFu on the phone like I do a lot of nights while playing on FB and listening to him ramble. I guess he wanted to sleep instead so listened to him snore. Which is cool and all but it didn't help my relaxation process as much as I had hoped. The game process wasn't going well either. One game was irritating me because nothing on it was working properly. The other game I got pissed off because people can't seem to play nicely. I was reminded of things with what is basically an ex. A couple of people want me to make up with this person when this person doesn't seem to want that. Frankly, I don't want it either. I don't need cheating and lying people in my life. I would respectfully get along with this person if they would do the same but doesn't seem like that will happen anytime soon if ever. I am still kind of hurt over what happened with this ex. I can't understand why but I am. Probably because I'm not allowed to express my thoughts and feelings over the situation to anyone that matters to me and cares for me. At least not without a bias opinion or them truly wanting to understand and hear it. I'm not sure if I am more hurt by my stupidity or by his actions and betrayal and abandonment. Probably all of the above. Either way, I was reminded of my hurt and feelings over that situation again. Along with feeling guilty for upsetting others by standing up for myself and pointing out that this person was seemingly being an asshole yet again. It was not a good ending to my night/day.

I fell asleep for about an hour after taking probably a little more cold medicine than needed to be taken. (since I am sick and taking OTC meds for it) Add a shot of whiskey and that probably didn't help the situation. I don't remember going to sleep but I had obviously. I woke up with Tooth-Fairy wrapped around me. It kind of freaked me out for a minute because I didn't fall asleep that way. I know that for a fact. She said I was sobbing in my sleep which doesn't surprise me considering a lot of things. I told her I didn't want to sleep next to her and it kind of upset her and she went home. It was probably wrong for me to tell her that since she was just trying to be nice and trying to comfort me. I don't know anymore.

After that I got up and went to work. I was angry at a lot of people at work because of the things that went on with my friend that got suspended to I was trying to mind my own business and do my job. My so called boss comes in and wants to talk about Tuesday and like usual wants me to go get him coffee and come back and talk. I told him for the 99999999999999999999999999999999999999th time that I was not going to get him coffee and that it is NOT MY JOB! He told me I wasn't stable enough to be at work right now and to go home. I popped off about how incompetent he is and how no one supports anyone in the fking dept. How I'm tired of him trying to force me into a position that I have not requested and refuse to do. How I do not need that type of position and that type of position will cause me to be very unstable and make many mistakes in the dept. Etc Etc Etc. He said that my rant proved that I was unstable and upset about my friend and needed to go home. That wasn't the case really. It was the typical reaction he gets when telling people to do things that are not in their job description.

I went home and rested a couple of hours. I got up and ate and tried to express everything going on in my life, to a couple of people that supposedly care and want me happy and want what is best for me. Didn't get much response when I finally told them what was going on after they practically begged to know. Which of course upset me more. Got news of a friends family member being in danger and what not. Not knowing if said family members were safe or what is going on and I still do not know really. No one has really cared about that either when I posted it publicly to get some prayers out and about for the family. Then again no one seems to care when I send out prayer requests. I'm finding that with a lot of people lately. They want me to listen and respond and care about their lives and their dramas and their stresses but they don't want to show the same respect and concern and comfort as I do. Maybe it is time to remove more people from my life? I could just stop talking to everyone and see who comes to me and shows the effort. Pretty sure who would come to me for OUR friendship and who would come to me for THEIR own devices.

I set up the appt to see my therapist today along with all of my other normal Thursday appt's. I normally see him on Mondays but needed more help this week with all that is going on, and the lack of support I have available and lack of people around that should care and don't. He helped me a little bit but I still wanted someone to care that I have a true bond with but that has still yet to happen. My therapist thinks that I shouldn't be putting effort into a relationship/friendship or two that I have. He says he sees patterns with these people that are not healthy and that are not going to help me progress. He says that my fears with these people are normal and something to really think about and discuss. I am not ready to face those things in life. I have thought about them a lot for the past few months. I don't think I can do it. It adds stress to my life. A lot of people see it. I have gotten drunk over it a couple of times and that is not something I want to turn to. It was stupid. I should fix the problem and face it but I am not ready for that. I don't know what to do. My therapist keeps talking about the Gnome and saying that he sees nothing wrong with that situation and that I should examine that closer. I really do not know. I know if things keep going how they have this past week, that I may just do that. I do no like the patterns I see. I don't like the fears. I feel by the first of the year a lot of changes will be happening or will have happened. I am just scared of what those will be and the outcome of them. To add to that on a slightly positive note...I do know for a fact though that I am done chasing some people around. They have choose to leave my life. That is their choice. I am done chasing them. If they want to break promises they made to me, then that is on their conscious not mine. Their karma, not mine. Their loss, not mine. Nothing for me to stress about there. I've stressed enough over them in the past. I've washed my hands of it. If they come back that is their choice and I will accept it but I will not put effort into it until I am shown a reason why I should.

On a positive note... Tooth-Fairy isn't upset with me anymore. I fell asleep next to her last night after talking about a lot of things. Talking about my fears that my therapist and I talked about this morning. I still have more to discuss with her but I think a lot of things are understood and less hurt and stress are going to come from that situation for a little while. I had a good time reading with her and my son last night before my discussion with her. I am glad to say that no boundaries were crossed during our conversation  I figured there would be considering that seems to be the norm lately. We had a peaceful movie night tonight with the boys. Its like old times but better. I can't go into detail and I wouldn't know how to if I wanted to. Wanted to have a movie night with someone else like I was kind of told would happen this week but didn't happen. I don't know if other people are like this but I am... Its like when you tell a child you and them are going to do something fun. If you tell them its going to happen it better happen or they are going to be disappointed, upset and hurt when it doesn't happen and there's not really a good reason for it. I'm tired of being hurt and upset and disappointed. At least there are others to pick up some of the pieces for me I guess.

Another positive note... I am starting my winter holiday in a few days. Although I'm not sure how that will go. I may be going out of state in a few hours, which is unplanned. I will be going to help out friends with their family that is in danger and what not if the state does not step up and start helping. I am trained in what needs to be done and can join the small group of people that will be helping tomorrow. I may go either way. The negative on this is that I will have to cancel some plans with my older son as well as with superwoman. That makes me sad. Although I can not just sit around and do nothing when nothing is being done to help my friends. Time is running out and they should have had help way before now. Out of good conscious I cant stand idly by while this continues to go no where.

YouTube didn't want to work Tuesday or last night either. Which did not help because I really needed some music at the time. I don't know if it is working tonight for me but I hope so, I have the urge to listen to music.

There is a lot more I am stressed about but its small stuff and not enough about it can be posted on here so I will leave that out. For now you all have a good glimpse of why I am distant and why I am stressed and more emotional than usual. I feel a little better getting it out there but I am still really stressed and really hurt right now by everything I have posted and things I have not posted. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading if you read all of this.

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Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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