Friday, December 14, 2012

A couple of notes to others

Tired of people that can't keep their word. It seems to be the norm lately. No one can stand by what they say. They cant uphold their promises. Self centered, immature, drama queens/kings. At least there's a couple of good people I need to talk about too. Due to the fact that I don't want to call anyone out directly, I will not be using the listed names in my blog, or real names. People I'm talking about will know who they are and that is all that matters.

Dear, Promise Breaker- I hate to say it but some of the hypocrites and a drunk or two, were right. You only care to run from your problems. You don't really try to fix your problems. You just leave and go else where until your problems follow you and you leave again. Rinse, lather and repeat. You cut the people out of your life that supposedly mean the world to you and have always been there for you. You break promises and only lie. You say you will never leave me and that you did to others because you were a different person at that time in your life. Obviously not. You haven't changed. Not one bit. You are the same person. The person that runs. The person that thinks she knows it all. The person that wonders why she cant find happiness or real love, only trash. The person that lies. The person that cant do anything on her own, wont even try. The person that runs and sucks dry every FREE/cheap resource you can find because you can't manage your money. I feel sorry for the life you are ruining. The broken-heartedness that life will feel when its lied to and sees all the broken promises that are made by someone that is supposed to care and love. The things that person will end up doing to get the attention he feels he should of had. I feel sorry that you have used up some of the last resources you have that were actually worth having. You use people and then toss them aside. You are no better than your stupid aunt and the rest of the trashy, careless, self centered people you surround yourself with. I always stood by you, tried to help you, tried to give you positive feed back and help you  not see yourself as they see you...but you've proved that my actions meant nothing to you. That all of my efforts were a waste of time. This part of my post is pointless too because you will have an excuse or some comeback to it that makes zero sense. Just like everything else you have said this past month. I'd tell you to learn to grow the fk up but you never will. I'm glad you showed your true colors because now everyone here can get on with their lives and stop worrying about you, stop wanting your friendship and love. We can all stop wasting our time on a loss cause and find the people worth exhausting our efforts on. Goodbye since all you do is truly disappoint, break promises and lie while running and blaming everyone else for YOUR FK UPS.

Dear, I can't trust your words: I've tried to fight for your friendship and love despite what anyone else told me. I've tried to defend you when others said it wasn't worth the fight. I've tried to remain by your side more or less when you've completely made me feel like shit and I've ended up crying from the way you've treated me. I've seen the way you've made others (that mean a lot to me) feel yet I've cleaned up the wreckage and made everything better, without your help. I look at the promises you've broken to me. I look at how I spent time without you when I've needed you most. I look at how you run from problems and don't want to confront anything as an adult. Yet you want to play billy bad ass and make a scene like you are going to go whoop someones ass for talking about you or you don't get your way. Others stand up for you and do a lot for you but you aren't willing to do the same or at least you haven't done the same when the opportunity has arisen  I'm seeing how some can say you are self-centered. Unless it benefits you then its not worth your time half of the time. Yeah maybe you do a lot of things for some people but you fail to see that those are the things that matter. The smaller things are what matters. Time is what matters. Companionship. Emotions. Opening up. Communication. Being there when its 100% clear that you can be. Keeping your word. Keeping your promises. I'm tired of the two-faced actions. Tired of the sneaking around. Tired of your words not matching your actions. Tired of everyone else around you being the lairs, when there's no reason for that to even make sense. Tired of missing important things because of you not keeping your words. Tired of others doing the same for you. I get you have issues and need your own help but there's no reason for the ways you've acted at times. There's things you cant get back. I'm done trying to make the extra effort. Done trying to help with things or help you, and you act completely oblivious to both when its spelled out to you. Done trying to give you any of what you want when you won't try to give me any of what I want. Why should I try when it seems you aren't trying? Another person my therapist says, isn't worth my time, as things are.

Dear, I'm confused: This isnt the place I wanted to put things about this out there but I have no other place to discuss it without bias other than therapy  No time to discuss it with you at this point in time and not sure I even want to. I do need to get some of it off of my chest though. It may all come out vague and not make sense and sound worse than it is but I'm trying to keep a sense of privacy for now. The things I have learned about some of the chemicals you are putting in your body, can make things worse rather than the thing you are trying to achieve. I was scared enough before, now its 10 times worse. The fact that if you do achieve it and we continue on the path we are on and have discussed, I will end up alone on that path at one point in time for several years longer than I have ever planned to. I'm not sure if I can face that. I look at it and I cant picture being ok with that. I'm ok with it to an extent but that extent was extended and I'm just not sure. I see more clashing than I want to see. I see more pity and demanding than I see acceptable. I see things in your personality that scare me. I try not to let it get to me but it does a lot more than I am willing to acknowledge  I may or may not have part of this right in my mind/recall memory but what I remembered comes off as being used in some ways for lack of better wordage. My therapist thinks I should distance myself a little more, change our connection. I think a lot of it might be able to be worked out but there's too much emotional issues for us both that make solving anything, difficult. Plus the alone on the current path thing, makes it very difficult to even think about solving other issues. Plus I don't know how to feel how I used to about things... I've tried but I don't exactly feel it happening. I think it should have by now. Hell I don't know if we even know each other as we should for this "ship". I don't know... Lost, hurt and confused.

Dear, Lorax wanna-be: Thank you for taking the time to speak to me the other night. I thought you had rejected my offer to meet up and talk, being how you were late. We discussed that and all is good but it did hurt until I knew. I know I had already apologized in writing more or less but I needed to do it in person to know that we were ok. I know we had hung out since then but it wasn't the same. I needed to set things right. I am glad you gave me that opportunity  Gave me your time. Your friendship and love. You have always understood from day one, I'm not sure how but you have. You understood the other night. I thank you for all of that. I am glad that we are now able to more forward with our friendship and strengthen the friendship. Thank you for the comfort you have offered. God knows I haven't deserved it from you.

Dear, Two Flowers: Thank you for the time and space you have given me. Thank you for the understanding and support through the past couple of months and the issues I have gone through. Thank you for understanding me better than most people. I'm not sure how you do it. A lot of people seem to think we have spent A LOT of time together in the time that I have known you and really we haven't spent as much as people think. I have spent 10 times more time with others and they dont understand me as well as you do. You don't put me down often and when you do, it's kind of an accident. You are always trying to find ways to make me happy when I rather just be alone, if even on this earth. I am still sorting things out but always know, one way or another you will always be a major part of my life and in my life. Hopefully its an outcome we can both be completely satisfied with and not regret later down the road.

Thats all for now. I had more but something has come up so I am ending this post here. Thanks for reading.

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Brutal Telling from the Wings of a Reawakened Dark Angel by Jay Fallen (JAF) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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